What Is Love? - Part 1

This Is So Fat

yes, that is a bed

In My Face...Or On It

After I exploded in my recent blog, Meshwell turns around and invites me to dinner with him and his mom.  Did I get to go? No...why? Because to add to my horrible holiday, I have a cold sore the size of a mountain on my face and would prefer not to meet someones mother like that.  

Here's my thing though- he knows about my insecurity with my appearance right now.  I even told him that I was planning on spending the holiday in my house because I was too uncomfortable with going out in public like this.  So why would he ask me to come to dinner? It wasn't as if he forgot about it.  When I reminded him about my appearance, he goes "that's up to you."  It was as if he was giving me an option to do something that he knew wasn't a good idea and was leaving it up to me to make a decision. 

At first I was happy that he was cool with me meeting his mom.  And then after I gave it some thought, I started to wonder... "Is this a ploy to make it seem as if he cared enough about me to make an effort to avoid me having to spend Christmas Eve alone? ...asking a question that he already knew the answer to?  You feel where I'm coming from with this?  Like..."Let me ask Jocelyn to dinner so she can't say that I didn't ask.  I know her answer will be no, so its a win win for me."

I guess I will never know...but I am thinking the worst because he never called me to verify if I was coming and it's been about 6 hours since they met up for dinner.  SMH

Embarrassed

Man With A Watch

There is something so masculine and sexy to me about a man who wears a watch

The Other Day

Mad As Hell

I am always in this alone...no matter how many kisses, hugs, visits, sleepovers, or conversations anyone throws me...I'm in this alone.  I don't get help from people.  When something needs to get done, I have to do it by myself, always.  I can only depend on me, each time. It never fails.

And here I am expecting the man which I'm giving all of my time, energy and affection to be there for me when I need him.  Instead, its too much pressure for him and he walks out the door to continue on with his day as if tending to me is an extra stress that he would prefer not to deal with.  

I hate how guys think that its okay for them to make half investments in women.  "DOWN when shit is up and UP when shit is down."  They might as well introduce themselves as "Hey, my name is ___ and I want to be around for the fun and partying but make sure you don't call me when you actually need me." Assholes.

I am mad as hell.     

Reunited & It Feels So Good

Meshwell and I are back to where we left off.  *smiles*  

 We finally went out two nights ago and it was so great spending time with him outside of the house for once.  

I really like this guy and not just because of how he makes me feel.  I love being around him.  

He's got to be one of the coolest, smartest, and entertaining people I know.  

Its been about a month now since we met and I haven't had one argument with him yet.  *shocked face*.  

I just don't have a reason to argue with him...he never makes me mad.  

I am a little nervous about connecting with someone this way...someone who isn't accepting of relationships.  I feel like I am getting myself into an emotional roller coaster that is bound to hit rock bottom.
But I'm no where near ready to get off of this ride...

Busy

I'm so busy right now.  But this is just a message to let you know that TONIGHT I am going to update you like no other update!

Telling The Secret

I've been in the middle of a few things that I've chosen not to blog about for a reason.  I didn't want to jinx myself by talking about it too soon but now its over...so I'm about to vent.

For the past couple of weeks, I have been hanging out with this guy who I felt I had a real connection with (lets call him Meshwell).  If you would have asked me last week if he felt the same, I would have said 'yes'.  But today is not last week and my answer has now changed to 'I doubt it.'


You know what...we started getting close way too fast and that should have been a sign for me to slow things down.  But I couldn't resist.  We started spending way too much time together-playing house almost.  It was almost like we were inseparable for the first two weeks.  And I thought this was because our connection was so strong and our conversations so on point.  But now I'm starting to think that he was just putting in a lot of effort to get sex - which I wasn't about to give.  I'm not in the mood to give reasons for why I thought the connection was strong or why he was probably trying to get sex the whole time.  Just know that I had valid reasons to believe both.

After our 1 hour long arranged meeting to discuss where we stand with each other, a decision was made for us to keep doing what we do (because neither of us wanted to stop) but to do less of it.  Well he took that to heart and has been ghost for the last couple of days - not calling or messaging me at all when he was before hitting me up constantly throughout the day.  I thought he was different-and in a lot of ways he was.  But he's still a black man and I should have known that a degree and good conversation wouldn't mean a change in his black man agenda.

I want to be mad. I want to be FURIOUS.  But I'm not...because a part of me-most of me-isn't even surprised.  Mike (my 'brother') advised that I go get Meshwell out of my mind.  So last night I went out to drink and meet up with Boyfriend 'Thursday' who asked me to be with him every day of the week.  I declined.  I think he was drunk anyway.  I did accept an offer to go out with this guy that  I wanted to make Boyfriend 'Wednesday'.  I think I'll ask him tonight.

Nail Fun

Check out my most recent nail designs. I never did color polish until a couple months ago. I love this !

Last Night

I went out last night and had a ball. I miss the OZ fam and it felt good to get out. 

I had a lot of attention and after looking at this picture of me, I have no idea why. LOL

As always,Wick (green and white) started to promote my photography services to people and I wanted to cry at how I keep neglecting my hobby because of my lack of confidence.  I want to take pictures, I really do. But I'm not confident anymore...I'm just not.

Used and Abused

I am extremely irritated right now with people-people everywhere.  I feel used and unappreciated in every area of my life right now.  Everyone calls me to vent and tell me about whats screwed up in their life and everyone calls me when they need favors.  I cant remember the last time someone (other than my new guy friend and mother) asked me how my day was or whats been going on in my life. SO, I feel used and unappreciated in every area of my life.  Just wanted to get that off of my chest.

The Greatest Offer

I met up with someone back at home that I care a lot about.  He's a genuine good guy but was always wrapped up in a roller coaster relationship with his ex.  He's single now...over her now...so he says.  He wants to see what can happen with us if we take things slow.  But he isn't someone that I can toy with or be flighty or unsure with.  I want to be serious with someone but I know that being with him means that I probably won't be with anyone else for the rest of my life because he is long-term.That scares me.

Back at home, I would have run with this opportunity, but I'm really tired of directing my own life and ending up with so many mistakes. So I'm trying to let God direct me.  Unfortunately, I can't hear God yet in the way that I need to in order to make a sound decision on this.  I have waited for this type of love-but that's the problem-I've been  waiting for love for so long that I don't care where it comes from and I want to disable this need for love that I have before I actually choose to be with someone.  I want to be with them because I love them and not because I love love.    

Can't Hold It In Anymore

I've been trying to ignore this feeling but it's getting so hard to ignore the fact that I feel so used.  I allow these guys to undeservedly get to know me and all the while I am holding my breath-hoping that "this one" wont be the one to do me like the last one.  And when they do, I have no one but myself to blame for letting someone that I don't even know have the power to make me feel this way. 

I think what bothers me more is the nerve and lack of regard shown for their fleeting interest. They just come and go as they please...with no regard for how they are making me/anyone else feel. It's not right...at all.

But like an idiot, I keep giving more and more of myself because (I will admit) I'm praying that at some point I won't have to continue each day in silence like this.  People think that it's desperate for a woman to try so hard to avoid loneliness...and even call you weak for your attempt to fight the feeling so hard.  But it takes SO much more strength than people realize to truly be alone EVERY-single-day.  To spend 10 hours working and commuting to/from work...just to spend the few remaining hours of the day in total and complete silence.  Not hearing the sound of someone elses voice or being able to enjoy the story of their day.  Being forced to share your own thoughts with yourself only. Never being blessed with the story of someone elses life or being able to watch it progress or digress even.  Having to watch movies when eating just to avoid hearing the sound of your own chewing.  Its a type of spiritual murder that you could never imagine unless having been in it yourself.

BAM !!!

...Success...

message to my best blog buddy: You see my zombie game?! Thats for you LOL

Moving Exhaustion

Apparently, moving is exhausting for EVERYone

Why So Black?

Someone went overboard here

3rd from the right...in case you cant see him. :/

Finally Home...With My 8 Extra Lbs

Me + Mom + Little Sister

Me + Mom + Little Sister

Me + Mom + Moms Boyfriend

Me + Mom (This is where you can see my 8lbs

Waiting for the Megabus at 6AM 

Moms Cute Thanksgiving Dinner <3

Black Friday Victim

I am afraid of Black Friday...

...cheap people + bargain hunters= safety hazard

stampedes...trampling...fighting...pushing...sell-outs

...but...

I MUST HAVE THIS

$139.99

I can foresee this year that I will be spending a lot of time at home, alone.  Even though I dont want to admit this, I know that at some point I will have to.  Admitting it right now, before Black Friday, will be more cost effective. :)  So, I confess!

So, with that being said, I will be in line tonight with all of the other desperate people.

Bieber Fever

...Not Feeling the Fact that I'm Feeling This...
I don't listen to little boy musicians anymore...not since the five little black boy family group from the 90s.  I forgot the name of their group but they were like a modern day Jackson Five.  B5 (B-Five) maybe?  I don't remember.  Anyway, I was surfing around the Internet while picking my Netflix lineup and found this song from Justin Bieber. I absolutely love this!! I hear so many people dissing this little boy and after hearing this song, I don't know why.  BUT, if necessary, I can defend myself by saying that I am only listening to this song because I love the part that Boys II Men sings.  No one has to know that deep down inside, I am falling in love with this little boy. -whooped face-

Thanksgiving Plans

Its something about moving into a new apartment that makes me want to get a fresh start.  I want to trash every piece of furniture I have that has been quietly irking me throughout the year.  I was going to sell my couch and futon but now I just want to throw it in the dump. 


I'm spending this Thanksgiving at home with my mom and sister.  I was surprised at how excited they were about it. :/ Me and Terah are catching the Twilight Breaking Dawn movie.  We haven't missed one part without each other and we were determined not to start now.  -sings- I cant wait, no I cant wait!

Self Check

Psycho's Impact

So I went out with "psycho" the other day and it was a bad idea.  He was charming (in his way), sexy, and enticing. Man...he is so confident and assertive.  Being around him made me lonely...so very lonely.  It opened up a a whole can of worms that I wasn't trying  to face.   I had almost forgotten how good it felt to lay next to a protective guy.  With him laying next to me, even while we slept, I felt safe as hell.  But I know that's the best that he can give me.  He is inconsistent with his actions.  One night of perfect him turns into nothing but a collection of "hello" and "goodbye" text messages. I want him but understand that I cant have him the way that I would like to.

Non-Marketable

Do you think its possible that a person can be so scarred and bitter that they will never be "marketable" again? I don't think I can be fixed.

TONIGHT!

I am so excited! Me and Barb are going to see paranormal 3 tonight!!!!

10/21 10:44am- The movie was awesome.  I never screamed so much in my life! The ending sucked though. :/

Psycho Returns

So...guess who sent me a text this week, asking to give "us" another try.  

Psycho!  

Psycho is the one that I was talking to for a couple of weeks that snapped on me.  He sent me the verbally abusive text messages followed by the "I love you" text message. 

(refer to my June 19, 2011 blog: He Snapped...He is Psycho). 

For some screwed up reason, it took me a couple of weeks to turn him down.  I think it had a lot to do with how much I miss an aggressive man and you cant get much more aggressive than him. 

The funniest part about all of this is that when I turned him down, his response was "okay, thanks."  Wow...way to show me that you are interested...or in this case...way to show me that you are NOT interested.

I'm so happy that I did not break, I clearly would have regretted it!

<3 GOD for giving me strength!

Me and Barb!

Aggravated and Intense

I am extremely aggravated right now.

I don't recall ever mentioning this guy in any of my posts but I'll call him Mr.BS because he is full of shit. I know that I talk to a lot of guys off and on-clearly there is no consistency or stability in my dating diet.  So lets not act surprised by this random mention of a guy that has not been formally introduced until now.

Mr.BS has been around for going on 2 years.  Hes young, a liar, and unreliable.  As much as I hate him, I care for him just as much.  I keep trying to block out all of his positives so that I can let his negatives be what breaks me away from him.  But whenever I try to do this, I cant stop picturing stupid stuff like his smile...or his laugh...the way he rushed to my house without hesitation to help me study for my Accounting test...the way he holds on to me when he's telling me all of the things he loves about me...and the way he says "I love you"...the way my mom likes him and how he blends in with my family when meeting them...how when he kisses me I end up forgetting how much I hate him...how he understands everything my perspectives...the way that he can tolerate my attitude...how I can yell at him and it does not affect him.  I love the way that he loves me. 

How does this relate to my aggravation? 

Mr.BS doesn't know what he wants-he says what he wants but then doesn't follow through.  I cant keep dealing with him.  He is so inconsistent with his actions and so unreliable.  But for some reason...life without him just seems so boring and so dry.  He brings excitement into my day...my life...and I would love to spend the rest of my life with his spirit.  But there is no way that I can keep tolerating his BS.

I have tried to move on.

But if the guy that I am moving on with cant bring the same energy...I find myself falling in love with Mr.BS all over again.

Meditate on This

I'm So Ashamed

I'm ashamed of myself...humiliated...embarrassed.  Why?  Because I actually purchased Beyonce's CD today (4).  I cant believe I did that.  I hate her music...absolutely hate it. 

Unfortunately, I love a couple of the songs on her album and couldn't do without them  Now that I look at it, it's damn near every song. Ugh.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Mood Swings

My mood just did a heavy swing and I'm not feeling happy at all.  For the second night in a row, the events/parties that me and my company were to attend, did not kick off. We ended up in the car, waiting, and then back at my apartment.  I always feel like crap when I cant show visitors a good time.  I don't want anyone to come here and regret being here. He promises me that that isn't the case but I cant help but to think he's trying to be nice. The cats are of course irritating him but he is taking it rather well; better than most people, and he actually has a genuine allergy toward them.

Shanell is getting married in August.  I know I don't mention her often but that's my oldest bff.  The one that I knew before I actually knew myself.  There are no words to express how happy I am that she's finally with someone that she feels she can spend her life with; especially considering how much BS we dealt with growing up.  She asked me to be in her wedding.  I would rather shoot her wedding though.  I think its more special to capture her moments for her than to be in the actual wedding. Of course no one would agree with me.  Being in her wedding means commuting non-stop to Saint Louis so that I can be present for rehearsals and things.  I do not have the time nor the vacation time to do that.  I have 2 jobs for christ's sake and I'm not in the position to take off of either one.  I don't know what I'm going to do. Not to mention, I'm so detached from people in my past...I don't know if I even belong in her wedding.

News X 2

I'm feeling happy.

My company is having fun in Chicago...and as much as I want to like him on a romantic level, I don't.  I don't know what it is... I just don't think that we have the most jaw-dropping connection.  It's weird.  Like... we have a connection when we are together.  But when we are apart, I feel nothing. Are you supposed to stop liking the person that you're hanging out with once they are out of sight?

ON ANOTHER NOTE

I was approved for the apartment! AND they are letting me choose whether to move in November or to wait until December.  Since my current lease isn't up until November 30, it will help me so much to save $700 and move in December.  This is the new design that I'm shooting for with my apartment.

And you wont believe this.  GUESS who called me yesterday and asked about job opportunities in Chicago?? Terah!! My bff.  Can you believe that she finally came around?  It took a year but I guess she is finally coming to her senses.  Looks like the end of this year will be a great one <3

Playing With Fire

GREAT news! I have not had any physical contact (and physical contact is not about sex - okay? physical contact is kissing, hugging, cuddling, etc) with anyone since August 12, 2011...well...up until this past Sunday that is. Yay me! Go me!  Go team Jossi!  The slip up was due to an unexpected visit from this guy that I may or may not have mentioned in a previous blog.  It was only a kiss though-a few kisses actually-nothing else.  It's weird how amazing one kiss can feel when you go without physical attention for so long. 

But I'm sure that this winning streak is about to be put on the line as a friend of mine will be arriving tonight from my hometown...to stay with me for the week.  Why I would put myself in this situation, I dont know.  We have a few things planned too-things that lead to things.  I'll be good...I promise.

TG

He accepted my request.  I was not attracted to him.  Possibility.

2 Blasts From The Past

He called today. the "taken one." He called "just to hear my voice".  A while ago that call would have meant everything to me. But right now it feels like bullshit and I could care less.  I know that he is bluffing with his unhappiness and its upsetting me...making me feel used. "I just wanted to hear your voice, and now I have to go." Like he needed a fix. 

Where is the gratification in this for me?

So to make things worse, I got a friend request on facebook today from someone in my past. Initials EW. He used to be an old "crush" and the feelings were mutual. I wasn't allowed to date back when I knew him, so pursuing him wasn't an option.  But I was in love with some other guy back then anyway TG.  Anyway...I accepted EW's friend request and went exploring on his page.  He is married now, looking as good as I always knew he would.  It made me think...and then made me jealous...and then sad...and then curious about TG.  So I looked up TG. Found him.  But his profile is viewable only by request. I put in a request.  I'm afraid of what I will see when he accepts...married? In a relationship?

Why am I doing this? 

Lets Rethink Things

Is it really homewrecking if I had him first?? I know I said I would let this situation die, but maybe I should take a closer look into this. I did fall in love with him first...but then again, he fell in love with her first. 

It wouldn't be so complicated if the history between us wasn't there, you know? That makes it so hard to let the idea of him go. 

We were so young when we met.

He picked me up from my second job, wearing that lame leather jacket lol.  We used to have these long, late night conversations in the car parked under the streetlight when I was in high school.  All the way up until I was I was saying "screw college" and he talked to me about how important college was in an attempt to change my mind. 

I don't know...a part of me feels like he is only reaching out to me because things aren't that great in his relationship.  They argue a lot-and the arguments have a lot to do with what I've always considered to be his biggest fear...commitment.  She is ready to take things up a notch...a notch beyond boyfriend and girlfriend.  For him, that is a BIG deal and I KNOW that he is not the type of guy to make that move unless he knows that it is right for him.  He's not ready...I know he isn't. 

But thats the other thing...I'm closer to being ready than he is and I fear that if we were to try and take things a step further with us (If he was single, I mean) that he would still be unhappy because we are on two different chapters in our lives. I'm ready to move forward, he is not.    

Free Cable for the Homewrecker

My leasing office just gave all of the residents free basic cable!!! Why is that such a big deal, considering that I dont watch tv? Because yesterday just startd the 17th cycle of Americas Next Top Model - ALL STARS baby!!!! And now I dont have to catch the re-runs on youtube!!! If you never learn anything else about me, know that I am one of the BIGGEST top model fans! Here is my serious top model face:

So official. 

Anyway, time for a boy update.  I dont know what I called the guy from the previous blog...the one that had a girlfriend and I was battling my urge to talk to him on a romantic level.  Well, I've been keeping my distance for the most part but he just made me a little soft by telling me that this video reminds him of me...or made him think of me rather. Even though its probably a bunch of bull.

I will admit that the words are so compatible with our situation. I want him to lay off of me because I know that he has no intention to move on and leave her. Not that I even want him to, you know!  Like I said before, I may be a lot of screwed up things but one thing I am not is a homewrecker.

Mega Babe on the Mega BUS

LOL. Just kidding. I thought the title was cute and couldn't resist. I took the MegaBus to Saint Louis for my Grandmothers funeral last month and saw this stud in the front.  When I saw her, I immediately thought of Terah. Check out my terah stud style LOL.

My Nicki Minaj

yeah...i know this window looks pretty trife LOL

YOUTUBE

-DRUMROLL-

I have decided to start my own YOUTUBE channel called "CONFERsations!"

I will not be on this channel, AT ALL.  My confidence is not that high. LOL.

The channel will feature recorded conversations of both a group of 3 males and a group of 3 females (recorded separately).

OR

A group of 2 males and 2 females

(recorded together)

If recorded separately, I'm going to edit the videos to where the conversations of both groups are mixed up throughout the "episode."

I haven't decided on how frequent I want these episodes to come out (monthly maybe) but I definitely want the subscribers/viewers to suggest and vote on the topics of choice.

I've already started working on my channel design.  Here are a few designs that I have fallen in love with:

 

Bootz & Brooklynn vs. ME

Me and the cats have been having a lot of problems.  They are breaking everything in my house and are really closing in on the remainder of that privacy gap that I so desperately need. If I wasnt so fearful of Bootz and Brooklynn not finding a good home because of Bootz weight issue, I would deposit them to the Humane Society. STRAIGHT UP!

cant piss by myself or even wash my hands after I do "the do"

How Strange

I find it to be disturbing that this was hanging in the bathroom of a restaurant.  What the hell is this about?  This has nothing to do with food or customer service.  Well...I guess it could be customer service (depending on what she is selling. :o/

Chaos!

Money has been my focus for the past two months so I have totally forgotten about my blog. :o/ 

SO SORRY! 

Its like this...you know how long I have been in the dogpound financiall, so now that I have the income to rebuild myself, that is exactly what I have been doing.  To start, I've been putting $1,000 aside each payperiod.  My goal is to stack around 10K. I'm exhausted from working 2 jobs, 7 days a week but I have to do what I have to do.

BUT you know me...and yes there is a LOT going on in my life right now.  However, I'm at work right now so I cant get too much into details just yet, but here is a preview of what I will talk about tonight

• free cable
• you tube channel
• new hairdo
• new guy/old guy
• old skool guy from an old blog post
• city drama (friends)
• pregancy
• apartment hunt
• Americas next top model

Worthless Arguments

I have stooped to an all time low...seriously. I cant tell you what it is I have done because its just that lame.  The point, however, is that although lame, I failed at that too.

I think the biggest problem is that I am too eager for love. After that, my next biggest problem is that I allow so many worthless men to come into my life with empty promises and lies/game, that once I have potential quality man approach me, I treat him as if he is just as worthless. And let me tell you, no one of quality is going to hang around while being treated that way; especially by someone that they haven't known that long.

And let there be an argument -rolls eyes- then you might as well close that option because they are not getting to know someone who they argue with so soon.  Now me...I'm different. I wont allow a weak argument to break my interest in someone.  Now if its an argument over something major, then that's different. 

I just had an argument with this "new guy" from the "all time low" about visiting me.  He said that he wanted to bring a friend so that he doesn't have to travel so far by himself and started to insinuate that he could hang with one of my female friends.  I told him that I didn't have any female friends out here to keep him company, if that's what he was getting at. And he goes "we will work on it." So, me being me, I let him know that "we" aren't working on anything because I'm not about to go try and befriend some girls out in this scandalous city so that he can entertain his homeboy. Again, he says "we will work on it."  This is where I got pissed off because I told him "no" once already and he chose to dismiss my concerns with a reaffirmation of his plans. Not cool.  I don't like controlling men and he obviously doesn't like difficult women. So he was out of the door. 

Mind you, I know this was my fault because all I had to say was "okay, we can work on it."  But the truth is that I had no plans of "working on it". And if I tell you I don't want to do something, don't tell me that we will work on it...because "we" wont.  If you would like to bring your friend with you, then you two should be the ones "working on it". This is Chicago. I'm not going to go grab some chic off the street for his homeboy. Whatever he was thinking, my answer was going to be no.

Difficult? Yes, I am.  But I'd rather be difficult that a push-over.  Kick Rocks. -kick-

waiting

im watching this movie on netflix (broken hill) about this boy who is in love with music...so in love that he can hear music when its not even playing-from the wind, the trees, the birds. he gets in a little trouble and ends up having to do community service at this jail wheere he makes a band out of prisoners. dude is amazing.  if this movie isnt worth watching for the plot itself, then just seeing the outcome of a jail turned orchestra is reason enough.  its ridiculous how amazing they are.  anyway, it made me think. he has a passion so big that he is doing something bigger than himself with it. i want that. i want a passion so big and so natural that i can do things bigger than myself with it.  what is my gift?

things that i miss

i miss sitting next to someone, walking with someone...for months...without our lips ever touching.  i miss anticipating a kiss.  everything moves so fast now. theres nothing to look forward to. i think that i would be willing to put an end to life today if i could go back and relive the past 10 years all over again.  that would sincerely be enough for me.

Heartbroken

I'm single again. It lasted 3 days and he dissapeared. Now my heart is broken and I'm stressed out a bit with this new job. I love my new coworkers though. But I'm starting to feel like I'm not going to do good at this job. I'm homesick again. So bad. I miss seeing certain people. Xavier broke my heart.....why couldn't he have just stayed away.

I have a boyfriend :o)

Does This Make Sense?

He was single, telling me he wanted kids soon.  One day I get a call from his cell phone...it was another woman saying that she wanted to know who I was.  Why?  Because she was his girlfriend, his pregnant girlfriend.  Did he call to apologize? No.  Not for three months.  And did he apologize when he called? No.  But he did ask to meet me so that he could explain.  He is almost in Chicago now.  Did he stick to the plan? Of course not.  What changes did he want to make to the plan? He wanted me to meet him.  Where? At his moms house, where he is staying.  That sounds like coming to you, not meeting you.  No?  So lets recap.

"You allowed another female to call my phone and tell me that she is your pregnant girlfriend and when I finally hear from you, three months later, you are requesting that I drive out to you so that you can explain what happened".....FUCK NO.

This Feeling

-SiGh-

I feel good.  I feel good.  And oh yeah, I feel good. :o) 

A few people have been trying to roll their way back into my life but Im not interested.  I dont get in this mood often but I like to cherish it when I do.  Its a sort of spiritual freedom where nothing matters to me but waking up (clearly its a weekend thing because I cant feel this way during the week when Im at hell-job). 

I start the new job on August 1.  Im ready for a real challenge; one that has some significance.  And I sense looooovvve in my future.  ;o)  
  

Looking UP!

So, another wasp just flew into my house.  Granted, I keep opening the screenless windows like an idiot.  When maintenance came in, they brought me some screens for my windows and also a fan because it is so hot in here.  The fan and screens will definitely help out but I should probably get a regular window unit too.  Bootz keeps breathing all heavy like with his tongue hanging out of his mouth.  I just dont want to invest in one when I only have a month or two left of this heat.

Anywayz...

News update! I got the job! So I will be working as an Admissions Advisor for prospective students who are seeking online classes.  I love this job already, as it is my dream job!  I know you're wondering about the money...its more than I was making at home with TWO jobs...so I think I will be fine from here on out :o).  AND my paycheck tomorrow will be lovely as I worked 20 hours of overtime and on the holiday too.  The best part about everything is that I will still be working my current job part time for a while to make extra cash AND they are going to pay me out for all of my earned Vacation Time (around $2,000).  So my savings account is well on the way to restoration.

Mark your calendars for November 30 because that is the day of revolution, when my lease ends.  I would like to be moved into my new apartment around the end of October so that I don't have to struggle with the move.  So I think its safe to start looking for a new apartment around the beginning of September or the end of August.  But I cant help looking right now too  :oD

Things are really looking up for me right now. Wouldn't you say?

The Latest Scoop

• my car got broken into by a crackhead.  they stole: my portable photo printer that i havent used in a year (i hope whoever they sell it to, gets more use out of it than I did), my unused hubcaps (pissed about that because they were hard to find), my poetry cd book (very pissed about that), some ink pens, and some pennies. :o/ the window is only going to cost $50 to repair- more than the value of everything they stole....I woulda just gave him the shit out of my car. lol
• my interview is tomorrow! wish me luck
• i broke things off with throwback love until he is single...if he is ever single
• im still missing mr.cherrybomb for some reason. i miss cuddling with him
• 'psycho' is coming over tonight - no details as of why will be given :o/...I miss his affection
• my sweetie texted me (the one i have been talking to for a couple months) to tell me that he misses me
• if i dont get the job, im applying for the job that i left behind at home (its back open again)

Random

I was just thinkin about rhianna and that pic tmz released after chris hit her......man, he really beat her ass. Like...no joke.

This is not okay maam

Fail.

A Tatt To Regret

Yes...that is Cartman from South Park.

Why in the hell would you get this tattoo on your leg? Why?

WTF Happened Yesterday!

Wow.  Yesterday was crazzzzzyy and is definitely deserving of a bullet list. 

Bad

• Brooklynn fell out of the window yesterday (with no balcony to catch her).  She slipped through the open window while climbing up the window screen.  She was hanging on for dear life and I managed to pull her back in.  I never felt so much fear in my life.
• Once I got her back in, a wasp flew into the house from a ripped part of the window screen that Brooklynn and Bootz keep climbing on.  With this being a studio apartment, I was running literally in small circles trying to escape the wasp.  I had to call an unfamiliar male neighbor into my apartment to kill it. 

• I got into an argument with JP (the guy who I mentioned in the last blog that Ive been keeping company with for a couple months now.
• I got into a "tiff" with a branch manager from a different Enterprise location.  I tried to do his branch a favor and he is basically pissed off about it because he didn't want it done.  He wrote me a rude email and I wrote back professionally, explaining that I didn't appreciate his rude tone and how my intention was to help.

Good

• I made a new neighbor friend out of the wasp incident.
• I finally made it to church!
• With all of the drama in the apartment, I decided to get on and go take pictures of the city.  I got some great new shots!
• Since the Taste of Chicago was still being held, I was stopped by so many guys trying to flirt with me while I was taking pics.  So I have about....5 new contenders (much needed as the others are getting old).
• Guy 1: from Miami. Owns his own record label.  Was sexy but I wasnt feeling any chemistry.  I was also being unfairly distant and rude because I didnt want to be bothered.  Not to mention, he and his friends were downtown "collecting numbers" which is a major turnoff to me.  But he didnt give up so I gave him my number.
• Guy 2: too young but had some good conversation.  I wasnt feeling any chemistry with him either because his lips were very chapped.  But because he was persistant, I caved.
• Guy 3: so so so sexy and so much chemistry.  Not much to say about him though. 
• Guy 4: swept me off of my feet with his maturity and classy approach.  I cant even tell you how AWESOME his approach was. lol.  I just couldnt turn him away (I know it sounds like I didnt turn ANYbody away but I swear I had more than these 5 guys approach me lol).  I have a feeling that he is going to be my favorite person this month.  If you havent noticed...I dont have people around in my life too long (sometimes my fault, sometimes their fault).  So unfortunately, although I dont like it this way, have accepted my reality until I'm willing to change some things about myself or accept some things about people that I dont want to.
• Guy 5: african king.  He was gorgeous but Americanized.  His accent is still strong (and a turn on).  He lives near me.  He has so much sex appeal and is so intelligent and so charming that I DONT want to get to know him because I know I will be hooked.  But Africans are somewhat argumentative and controlling and we know what happens when you mix that with my attitude. Disaster!
• One of these guys that I met was a local artist who throws events and was interested in my photography.  I finally put my business card to use!
• A lot of my old skool guys mentioned in this whole blog (and other guys not mentioned) are trying to get back a relationship with me. I love months like these because they are flattering lol.