The Storm..

There's another hurricane affecting the East Coast right now. My close close friend Syn is there.  He's messaging me from a shelter right now.

Me: Are u ok?
Syn: I'm surviving
Me: :( r u safe?
Syn: Yeah. Chillin in a shelter tryna stay optimistic
Me: I'm scared
Syn: Y r u scared?
Me: Bec I don't want anything to happen to you
Syn: Well u gotta be strong cuz I'm scared
Me: I super love you
Syn: I love u too juju

Just the thought of him being in danger makes me cry.  I love him so much. His worth is shitting on anyone's and that's even just on a friendship level.  This whole hurricane situation just made me realize that I don't want to lose him or any of the people who knew the old me. When he says he loves me...I know that he loves the real me.  Nobody knows the real me anymore and I keep pushing people away.  When I think about people like Syn, I start to remember how insignificant some other people are.

Was Angry So I Cooked

People don't know that I can actually cook - I just don't broadcast it because I don't know how to cook without instructions. I decided to cook out the stress. I made baked ziti and bluecheese green beans topped with walnuts. It was delicious

Figuring Things Out

Lately I've been thinking about my "I Am So Happy Now That" list.  It's kind of like a vision board except its with words instead.  I'm honestly using it right now to psych myself out because I cant really see anything right now that will make me happy.  And NO I'm not depressed or anything, I'm just not motivated by anything. 

I was thinking about the reason why I left Saint Louis and if I am really doing what I set out to do by leaving. I was definitely running away from issues that I didn't want to deal with.  And I thought that leaving would make those issues go away.  But they didn't. Everytime I feel like things are okay, something happens to remind me that they aren't and that I need to face my fears. I just don't feel like I'm ready.   

So clearly its been a while since I've blogged.  I cant even begin to tell you how much has happened in my life so I wont even try.  I'll just start from today.

I'm trying to figure some things out for myself right now. I feel like there is not much that I care about anymore and I'm struggling to find out why. I had someone that I cared about a lot and I think I was clinging to him so hard because I knew that if I let that go, that I wouldn't have anything else to really care about. But now that I've come to terms with the fact that me and this person have no future, I've had no choice but the deal with the fact that I don't care about anything anymore.  I feel like I'm sitting in silence a lot...because there's nothing on my mind. It's kind of scary, actually... to have no dreams anymore.

Obviously there are the basic things that I care about like God, my mom and my sister and my dad and his wife...but other than that...I don't feel passionately about anything in my life anymore. I could care less what direction things go with me because I don't feel that there is anything that will make me happy anymore.  I know I have the potential to do great things but I cant push myself anymore.  Well, its not that I cant but I just don't feel like it. I know its up to me to start putting forth effort but I feel stupid trying to force myself to care about things that I don't care about.

I don't know...

Give Me Back My Life

so much has been happening to me these last couple of weeks and I really wish things could just get back to normal so that I can enjoy my life.  I honestly see now how things could have definitely been worse back when I was complaining about petty things.  I don't feel like going into details about what is going on with me but I will say that I am no longer living in my apartment although I am paying rent there.  I miss having a place to stay and I am just praying and praying for this issue to end so that I can get my life back to normal again. A part of me is a little excited about starting from scratch again but another part of me is sad that I lost a lot of what I owned and had established already.  I miss stupid things like being able to come home and watch TV, take naps, play my video games, do homework, blog, get dressed up, take pictures on my downtime....man I miss my camera...

.SigH.

4th of July with Old Friends

Karine and her boyfriend Chris finally made it up to Chicago to see me!  We spent the 4th together and it was so fun hanging out with real friends. <3

Well its been a while...once again. LOL.  I know last time I said that I was back but somehow I managed to disappear again.  But yesterday I found an old journal of mine in the car and it made me think about my blog so I went back and started reading all of my old posts from this year and got 'homesick' LOL =P.  SO here is the ULTIMATE update of everything that I talked about this year.  <3 

• I cancelled my gym membership...that crap was collecting dust
• And I don't eat healthy anymore...I just eat whatever I want, whenever I want (fatness)
• I decided to stay in Chicago...at least a little longer until I figure out where I really want to be
• Bootz whiskers grew back!
• I finally got a bed!!!  But I still need a mattress lol =/
• I still haven't made it to STL to see baby Wynter =(
• My photography passion is turned 'off ' right now. You know that changes every few months
• I'm so official on the xbox now but now I want a PS3
• I found a new church this Sunday and I am in LOVE with it!
• Me and Terah aren't BFFs anymore - no fights, just don't talk anymore (I didn't see that coming)
• I'm currently in grad school for my master's degree in Information Systems
• I was in a relationship for a minute but that went downhill quick.  But I did realize something that scared me while we were together.  I wasn't any happier with him that I was alone.  I don't know if that has anything to do with the fact that he wasn't a good boyfriend or if its because I'm not really happy with the direction my life is going right now.  Either way, I always thought that having a boyfriend would make it easier to deal with that fact, but it didn't.
• I've been doing really good at work. We finally moved downtown and I surprisingly hate it
• Me and Burrby are still close but now our relationship is platonic.  I remember I was talking in my blog about how I didn't know what way I loved him but its certain that its not romantic anymore.
• Two people that I have blogged about still have my heart - but I wont mention who they are.  They should already know.
• I wear glasses now!My first real pair. I still have contacts though but I dont wear them as much

I Miss You

I was starting to feel like I may never come back to this thing but someone just inspired me to write by getting me emotional.  In fact, I think its been a while since I wrote anything emotional...

My friend died...and it hurts. He used to check up on me to see if I was okay; even if it was just once or twice a year.  He used to say: "I've been thinking about you and whenever that happens, I need to check on you Jo Jo." It hurts to lose one of the few people that actually gave a damn about me. Since his death, I've been thinking about how empty I feel inside.  I started trying to pinpoint when the feeling arrived and as stupid as this sounds, I haven't felt happy since I left college. I think I left the part of me that used to smile and laugh.  Honestly, I miss my friends a lot.  I know I tried to block them out for years now because of personal reasons but his death is making me want them back. Ugh God, I feel so much pain right now...I thought I had all the time in the world to respond to those messages he sent...and I didn't...

Reinventing Myself

Been spending a lot of time making some solid changes . At 27, I know that I have to start putting myself in alignment with the things that I know I want for myself. And that means I can't do the same things I used to do, and cant let certain things happen that I was letting happen before...and that includes my responses to other people's actions (and yes, I started this before the Steve Harvey movie dropped lol). At first it was crazy hard because not everyone wants to work with the standards that you've set for yourself, and then I wanted to argue when they didn't.  But now it not so hard...the arguing isn't necessary.  I just throw them away and keep it moving.  I've lost some guys along the way but its cool because it was my decision to lose them, and I did it with the new me...no arguing. I was talking to my guy friends who just got engaged and they promised me that its going to be hard at first because I'm not used to enforcing my standards because I always put them to the side to get something else that I want.  They told me that it's a lot harder to stand by what you know is right for you when it means having to face lots of rejection and waiting for whats right.
I'm ready.

In 1 Week...Why I've been MIA

At first I felt like I was under a personal devil attack but I've noticed that all of these bad things have been happening to me whenever I starting working on my plans to go to Miami for my birthday. My instincts are now telling me that maybe someone (or something) is trying to keep me from going...I'm finally taking the hint. This is what my last week has been like:

• a car accident that nearly cost me my life but definitely cost me whiplash & "friendships"
• it definitely cost me a $500 deductible to retrieve my car from the shop
• and a "free" rental that's costing me $100 a week bec of the cdw that State Farm doesn't cover
• which is being paid for with a 7 day late paycheck bec my manager forgot to submit my timesheet
• which left me so stressed out that I myself forgot to submit my timesheet this week to get paid
• which means I wont get paid on my birthday-this Friday
• which means I wont have the money to go to Miami
• therefore no Miami
• which means I lost $150 for the plane ticket along with all the non refundable clothes I bought
• that can only be worn in Miami
• which doesn't matter to me right now bec I just had to come out of $200 to get my rental out of impound.  How did that happen? I parked in my personal reserved parking spot without my parking lot sticker...that I didnt have in the car...because it was a rental

Couldn't Have Said It Better

What's Going On

I know its been a while.  I guess I've been thinking about some things...the same things that I was thinking about before.  Except this time, the stakes have been raised a bit.  I have another reason to come home - an investment opportunity that could really be what I have been praying for.  And to make the decision even harder, I actually found that there is an opening at home for the same position that I have here in Chicago (same company and all).  I put in an application and at this point, I'm just waiting to hear back before I start to finalize my decision.  I don't know if this is what I want to do...  

Video Relase Party pics

I just realized that I never posted any of the pictures that I took that night from Showtime's video release party. Here's a few.

 

To Stay or To Go

I'm so stressed out right now.  I've been thinking about the fact that my mom is getting older - she's almost 60 now.  I feel bad being so far away from her, you know? Like...it's not like she has a lot of years left where she will be in the physical condition to still be able to do a lot of things with me. I keep thinking about how much time I'm missing out on with her that I can't ever get back.  I know that moving here was important to me and something that I want long-term, but do I really want it at that expense? I know that parents get old and their kids don't make their life decisions based on that but my mom is the only person I know that really loves me.  I always hoped that by this time I would have found someone else that could love me at least a little bit like her.  But its not going to happen right now and I want to spend my time with her...I feel like I'm being ridiculous but its how I feel

Touching The Camera

So last night I did another event.  This time I took pictures at Showtime's (one of Twista's artists) video release party.  I am so psyched about the pictures because they turned out GREAT! You know what though?  I've come to realize that I don't usually experience any issues with event photography and I get excited all over when I think about doing an artist event.  I feel confident, like my shots are going to be guaranteed and sexy and I KNOW that I can deliver on that end.  Maybe I should start focusing on that type of photography instead on photoshoots and all.  I can still make a lot of money in this area, can focus my craft on one type of photography to get really skilled (which would be less overwhelming) and can start purchasing equipment for events only.  I could probably even become the personal photographer for local artists! I'll be editing the pictures tonight and posting something tomorrow or later this week. Ciao!

Whitney is In Labor!

Whitney is in labor!!!! I think I am going to head to Saint Louis today to meet Wynter!!!

Having A Kid

I'm watching Laguna Beach right now (the old season) and I couldn't help but cry when they were getting ready for graduation. Mannnnnn I remember how important that was back then - high school in general you know? I never enjoyed life as much as I did back then. We did some crazy stuff...yeah we did...lol. Anyway, while I was watching, I started to wish that I was the one holding the camera, watching my kid walk to the stage.  I never thought I would really want to have kids but after watching this, I know its something that I want.

Squirrels Have Rabies

So I found this out a little too late but apparently you shouldn't feed the squirrels because squirrels have rabies.  NO I did not get rabies but I COULD have. smh.

Letter From Dad

Sometimes I forget that my dad was a man before he was ever a father.  He wrote me something really special in response to what I wrote about him. I won't share it all but a lot of what he said, really hit home:

Don’t give up on the men of your generation, but don’t give in either. They will only rise to the accountability that the women of your generation challenge them to. Don’t beat a brother down and don’t make excuses for him either. Always look for opportunities to encourage others as well as yourself.

  

If you read my blog regularly, then you know why this statement from my dad means so much to me.  Even recently, I allowed Meshwell to resurface in my life as a friend and once again he fouled me.  I keep letting it happen because I don't want to "give up on the men of my generation."  But I always find myself making excuses for him/them..."oh he's only doing this because he's stressed."  And I do always look for opportunities to encourage him - but he doesn't do this for me...or anything nice for me for that matter.  So why let him resurface? Because he has good conversation and an education- but that's not enough to give him a gold seal.  My dad is right - they will only rise to the accountability that women challenge them to - and I didn't challenge him at all...I just sank to his level.  Hopefully he meets someone that can challenge him.  Hopefully ALL of these guys do.  Me, I'm going to wait for one of the developed ones. :)

LMAO

*Conversation with my friend about her mysterious gentleman caller* 

Me: Maybe that's what you need girl, a little mystery.
Her:  No the hell I don't.

*Enough Said* LOL!

Conversation With 'Him' about Love

Him: Friendship with my lover is very important
Me: I never had a guy be my bestfriend first
Him: Building "the relationship" takes time. Build it first then get in it
Me: I never thought about it that way...but it makes a lot of sense
Him: Lots of people don't
Me: Its hard to build with someone though when people are working on other projects with other people
Him: True.  You may see other projects (houses) but you only buy one house (relationship) to move in
Me: How do you know when its complete enough to move in?
Him: Its built with features wanted by both parties.  Its complete when "both" are ready to move in

Back In The Day...

I used to love this dress lol.  I wonder what happened to all of my clothes from the "early years."  I wish she would have kept them all.  Knowing my mom, she probably gave them away to charity.  My mom was hot when she was young wasn't she? I remember when she used to go skating, guys used to stare at her the whole time.  I think that "high yellow" women were "it" back in the day or something lol.  Now, I don't know what she was thinking with that big curly bang in my hair.  I remember she used to put a sponge roller in my head all of the time for the ultimate curl.  I think its safe to say that she never combed it out either... :/

A Pregnant Blast

The babyshower was amazing!! The best part about it was that I got to spend some 1-on-1 quality time with my sis Whitney (yellow dress).  She picked me up from Union Station when I got into town and we went straight to Target to buy her babyshower gifts.  Only Whitney could make babyshower shopping a comedy show.  It was hilarious and I loved every minute of it.  We had a whole conversation about whether or not it was better to buy Pampers or Huggies...or if we should buy newborn pampers only or 1st year pampers also?? We ended up skipping out on those and got other stuff lol.  As promised, I spoiled my little babies :)

I cant believe that so many years have passed since we all met.  A part of me somewhat envies them for moving their lives along and starting families while I'm still at square one.  Whit was telling me that its not like their relationships are all peachy so don't envy anything. Either way, from the looks of it, I won't be in their position ever or for a very long time.     

2 Years & 1 Month Ago

I made a huge mistake two years ago and I would do anything to go back and change the outcome. I can never get that moment back. Its that moment that tested my character...I failed. I can never forget...

Brooklynn Hiding From Bootz

Safety at the Job

Ugh..I came across this while walking from the parking lot to my job. F'n gross.

Reflecting On A Good Dad

I miss my dad. I remember when I was younger, he used to try everything in his power to teach me everything possible.  One minute he had me cleaning the house like I owned it, mowing the lawn, picking up those ugly brown spike balls fallen from the 'big tree, and raking up leaves (and other peoples lawn for my own extra cash).  The next minute he had me cooking, taking sewing classes, learning how to write checks and budget money with tithing percentages to both church, myself and the bank.  When time permitted, he had me playing basketball on a team, enrolled in gymnastics, and swimming.  I was all over the place.  That's probably why I am so indecisive now. But one thing that I can say is that he was always there to witness every moment with each of these activities.  I really didn't understand how awesome he was for that until now.  I look at these guys that I talk to and they look like crap compared to my dad.  They think they are doing something great by spending time with their kids and buying them clothes or shoes...as if their kids only require material things and 'quality time' to grow up well-rounded and healthy.  There is no way that they could do what my dad did - hell, they can't do much for themselves.  I honestly feel sorry for many of their kids because they will miss out on so much...

Its Been A While

I'm so extremely tired right now. 
It feels like this week has been moving so fast and I can barely keep up.  And even still, it's not over just yet.
I'm headed home this weekend for the babyshower of one of my closest friends and wont be back to Chicago until Sunday morning.  It will be so good to see her but as always, I will be anxious to be back in the comforts of my new city (I ran away from Saint Louis for a reason, you know? Going back is never on the top of my list).

This whole week has been nothing but me focusing on my job - grinding as hard as possible.  I've been doing everything I can to get better and its been working.  They even offered me the opportunity to work on a newsletter for my region which is awesome because that's what I want to do for the company anyway - Marking/PR/Recruiting.  I have my first meeting in a few hours. Yay! I feel kind of bad that I don't feel like talking much about my personal life right now - I guess I'm not feeling it.  Some thing have happened that would be interesting to read but its just not important to me anymore, you know? I care more about other things "this month" lol.  Maybe that will change...or maybe it won't (hopefully). 

I was watching my stomach grow this morning and was depressed about it until I realized that Aunt Flo is almost here and I'm just bloated.  I was about to be pissed.  I really have to reevaluate whether or not I'm going to keep this gym membership - I went ONE TIME this whole month. I know I NEED to go but I don't FEEL like it. What can I say, I'm lazy.

Changes

I thought it was about time for a change so I switched things up a bit with the blog design.  Maybe now I will feel inspired to write again. Stay tuned...<3

sample from my 1st wedding

Yesterday

uggggh....got drunk...i feel like blah

I'm So Healthy :)

Whew and Wow

Oh man...this weekend was exhausting. The wedding turned out great and I got some excellent shots of the wedding from beginning to end. I cant wait to create the wedding album for them.  I think I'm going to make one for myself to serve as a wedding sample.  My mentor told me that with the quality photos that I did, even with the lack of equipment, I should have charged $7-800 for the shoot alone.  Not to mention the cost of post processing the photos, creating an album/picture delivery.  Excited! Obviously I didn't capitalize this time on what I could have charged but now I know for next time that I can make some money and that I am CAPABLE of doing this.  Apparently I can take a month to prepare wedding pics and that's great because I have way too much to work with and don't want to rush.  I also established an hourly rate for showcases which I will be doing a lot of after my recent event. 

I miss DJ today...haven't heard from him since that last message he sent me about missing me and I honestly haven't thought about him much since then. Don't know why he is on my mind now but I think I miss his cute face and his calmness.  Weird things have been happening with my "personal" life lately.

1. Two guys who aren't black actually have been showing me some interest - most people know that I've been anticipating some interracial attention for some years now. lol!
 2. An old friend that I never thought would be interested in me just asked that we start talking more to see if we can make our relationship more than what it is. Um...no...
3. A guy that I used to be crazy about in St.Louis (who was too busy to even look at me) confessed this weekend that he's been keeping tabs on me (and proved it).  He claimed that he has been thinking about me on a "beyond friendship" level and is ready for a commitment when he finds the right woman. I call bulls**t

And honestly could care less right now.  I don't know why...I guess I'm just bored with the repeat disappointment.  Not even trying to set myself up for failure right now...best to focus on the money.

OMG Breathe!

This week has been so crazy. Photos after photos.  Networking opportunities and exposure went out the roof with this last event (some pics below). I've been getting a lot of much and props.  I am officially charging and doing my first wedding tomorrow. Super excited.  I gotta get things ready for that today-not to mention handle my own crap. I decided that I am going to have to charge in order for me to afford the equipment needed to get the job done right.  See some shots below while I go get ready for my day!  Oh yeah, Kirko Bangz is SEXY! lol.