I feel like I cant breathe right now. Its like everything around me is moving so fast and I feel like I'm at the end of this treadmill, trying to catch up to speed while trying not to fall off. I don't feel like I'm moving any slower than normal but when I look up, everyone and everything is so much farther out than I'm comfortable with.
People that I spent my whole life around are getting married, starting families, buying homes, owning businesses and I haven't even loved someone yet. Hell...I haven't even started loving myself entirely yet. I think that is what scares me the most...that I know now that this feeling I have isn't related to love...it cant be resolved with the presence of someone else in my life. Its something that I have to figure out and I don't know how or where to start.
No matter where I go, I feel like the space that I am in is too small and its closing in on me. I just want to scream from frustration. Everyone has all of these ideas on how to "fix" the problem, but its more to this than they can understand. I cant just "relax" and stop feeling like this and it cant just "get better." Of course I have my good days but they are so few. And the fear of what I have lost and what I will never have is drowning me. I only have a few minutes throughout the day to think about life and because I'm so hateful of the present, I spend those minutes mourning for the past.
No matter where I go, I feel like the space that I am in is too small and its closing in on me. I just want to scream from frustration. Everyone has all of these ideas on how to "fix" the problem, but its more to this than they can understand. I cant just "relax" and stop feeling like this and it cant just "get better." Of course I have my good days but they are so few. And the fear of what I have lost and what I will never have is drowning me. I only have a few minutes throughout the day to think about life and because I'm so hateful of the present, I spend those minutes mourning for the past.
I'm having a hard time facting the fact that I have changed so much since college. I keep looking through pictures from 2003-2008, searching for the person that I am now. But when I look at the pictures, I see a completely different person. And then when I compare pictures from then to now, I can see the difference in my facial expression and it scares me.
THEN : 2008
NOW : 2011
