I've been in my feelings lately so I havent been in the mood to journal. I dont have to say what the problem is, I'm sure its evident from my last post.
We talked today and I think we have a better understanding of how we both feel about each other and the situation. He wants to be friends right now but still likes me. He says its possible that we can be on that level with time, but right now its not a possibility. I dont know how he thinks this is supposed to work when he admits that he can read my affection for him all over my face. The only way I can do this is to emotionally remove myself from him altogether and pretend he is just a friend. But I have never been able to do that without being emotionally involved with someone else-a "distraction," in so many words. Not to mention, once I emotionally detach myself from someone...its hard for me to get back on a romantic level with them again. I'll play his game because I want him in my life, but I know this ending all too well.
We'll hang out as friends and I'll eventually losen up and stop showing affection and he will start to like me again. He will be happy with how things are going and with where things are going, but I'll be looking at him as a friend since thats all we will be acting like. While he is catching feelings, I'll be losing them because I will be feeling unloved. So I'm going to have to sit here and play the "dont call him, wait til he calls me" game and let him run the show until I become disinterested from a lack of attention. Watch.
Thursday, March 31, 2011
Tuesday, March 29, 2011
Monday, March 28, 2011
One Day At A Time
Today I was talking to a friend of mine who shared this with me: take life one day at a time. It sounds like such a simple concept, but now that I am older I realize the depth behind those words. Things feel so overwhelming to me because I try to deal with so much in just one day...and the things that I try to deal with are always based in the future; not even the present. Maybe its time that I let my future come to me and not try to force my future onto my present.
Sunday, March 27, 2011
A Reason To Stay
This weekend went completely opposite of what I had planned. However, I'm starting to realize that it doesn't matter when my plans fail because it doesn't take much to please me...or to disappoint me. I don't need all of my plans to go well for me to consider a weekend to be a good one. It only takes one thing to make my weekend and only one thing to ruin it. Here was my weekend (the parts that I didn't already blog about):
- I didn't go to the soccer game and I was glad because I didn't feel like it
- I took my midterm online and had all of my answers correct. However, I accidentally switched the WiFi to OFF when moving the cats away from the computer and failed because the submission didn't go through since the Internet was unplugged. I don't even give a shit...I really don't
- After I failed the midterm, I decided to pay "ill be there in 15 minutes" a visit. I don't know why but I did. I just wanted to be around someone that I'm familiar with (whether I like their ways or not). I fell asleep at his house but he didn't touch me and I didn't touch him. I really needed to be close to someone because of how down I've been feeling lately, but I'm still not comfortable doing physical things with people because of mr.cherrybomb. So this worked out perfectly for me. This morning we woke up and cleaned my car out before I went to work. Finally, its clean.
- I applied for new jobs today. I think I am going to make it a point to apply to different jobs every week.
- I found out more gossip that the workplace drama girl was talking about me. It really bothers her that I don't like her anymore. I'm positive that if I find a new job I will be happy. Every disappointment I have with my relocation is based off of my work life. I hate the animosity - it makes the workplace so uncomfortable and I am not the only one who feels this way. I hate the long drive/train ride out there. It wears me out and makes me grouchy. I hate the job duties-more than I hate anything in the world-except unemployment :o/.
- I learned something new about me today. Maybe I should make it a goal to learn something new about myself every day. I learned that I am bitchy with men for the first month of knowing them unconsciously. And after about two or three months, I soften up and start acting like myself and they become some of my best friends. And I like them as friends more than love interests.
Speaking of love: I know for a fact now that I am falling in love and am feeling sick as I try to ween myself off of this feeling. I cannot wait until this bullshit passes. I've tried so hard to deny this and to preoccupy my mind with other things but I'm falling in love with mr.cherrybomb and I know it. It pisses me the fuck off that I feel like this after the fact that we don't talk anymore. Why does every revelation in my life have shitty timing. I guess timing doesn't matter when I'm so stupid about dating. I don't know whether to fight how I feel until I eventually forget about how I feel or if I should just let the feelings come, cry, and then get over it. You know how people try to teach you lessons on the slide by doing you how you do them? He's done that to me a couple of times and although I wouldn't admit it, I learned my lesson...lessons. But I knew that I was going to fall in love with him when I first met him. I should have backed away then because there was no way that I was emotionally ready to deal with someone so opposite of what I have been exposed to.
Well, a friend of mine is moving to L.A. soon if they get a job there and asked me to come move with. I'm going to give this it the rest of the year until my lease is up to see if anything changes here for me. If it doesn't, I think I'm going to leave. Why not? Life is too short to be restricted to one city without reason. And now that I already took that leap to relocate once, I'm not scared to do it again. I want a reason to stay...
Saturday, March 26, 2011
Quote Of The Day
"We all want things to stay the same. Sometimes settling for living in misery because were afraid of change...afraid of things crumbling to ruins. But maybe ruin is a gift...ruin is the road to transformation." -Julia Roberts in Eat Pray Love
Friday Night
Last night was a blast! With the exception of a few errors in the night, that is. I decided to just save gas and save on parking issues by just taking the bus to The House of Blues. When I got there, I was the only person carded (smh). The concert was supposed to start at 7:30pm and I arrived around 7:15pm for a good seat. Well, when I got inside, I realized that there was no seating available unless you paid in advance for it :o/ . Good thing I didn't wear heels! So I scurried over to the railing to get a good leaning spot during the concert. This big girl...a lot of big girls...had the same idea and scurried over also. I spent the whole night trying to dodge ass and elbows. It almost felt as if the one girl in front of me was violating my space on purpose.
The show didn't even start until around 9:00pm which sucked because I was sitting there...standing there...alone for 2 hours before I had a reason to open my mouth (singing along with the performers). And then at 9:00pm it wasn't even Mint Condition who performed. It was the opening act! Granted, they were fabulous, but they performed like...5 songs! I didn't want to hear 5 songs from an opening act. I was tired from standing and ready to get on with the show so that I could head home. The show was amazing and funky! I had so much fun partying with the old heads there. Surprisingly, it was a lot of gorgeous couples there and I wondered to myself if I had a guy with me, would we have been a gorgeous couple too. -shrugs- who gives a f**k. Back to the story. So once it was over, I headed home on the train, not realizing it was 12:30am and creeps were everywhere. When I got on the train, I realized that I was receiving stares from men at all parts of the train and I was the only girl there. I was so scared and uncomfortable (which is why I don't wear leggings. They seem to bring attention too your legs-unwanted attention). While waiting on the last bus to come, this man tried to make a move on me. Long story short, here was our final dialogue before he got off the bus at his stop.
Me- "Um..my name is J"
Him: "J..mmm...J and Justin. J & J....We're gonna be like J&J Fish huh?"
J&J Fish? Wow...Anyways. When I got mobile, I hung out with overflow before falling asleep. He took me by a couple of lounges on the south side that I had been wanting to see. We didn't go in or anything but I couldn't believe how many after parties were still going on. I cant party that long-must be in bed by 1AM.
The "okay I'll be there in 15 minutes" guy had the nerve to call me, telling me he was in my area and thought we should watch a movie. I forgot to mention that we hung out a couple of times a few weeks ago and then he played me last week AGAIN so I deleted his number AGAIN. My answer was no, of course. Guy 3 didn't make it to Chicago yesterday and I'm kind of glad because I don't need anyone pushing up on me right now.
Friday, March 25, 2011
Too Much Action!
Well the workplace drama girl has managed to get my internet removed (I know it was her) which has clearly slowed my blog life down. Ugh.
I'm so excited about everything right now. SO much good news. Jeremy just left (the auto show guy) for Wisconsin's cheerleading competition without me because I have to work :o(, but we did get to meet up this morning and he treated me to breakfast. Its always nice talking to him...we just click well without any arguing and its nice to have that connection with someone because I'm pretty difficult at most times. Plus, he is such a gentleman and makes me feel all feminine (not bossy, for once). I don't have a romantic "thing" for him but its something about his demeanor that's so..."in control of things" that he reminds me of my dad. And you know what they say...girls usually fall for men like their dads. LOL. I doubt it though. I feel a friendship brewing.
NOW, there IS something exciting happening today (other than my Mint Condition concert). Guy 3 (from a weekend of chaos post) that had the jail issue is coming to Chicago tonight. o0o I am nervous because I had a lot of interest in him before that incident and the only reason I stopped talking to him was because of that incident. He wants to stay with me when he gets here like last time but I'm not sure if that is a good idea because I'm very vulnerable because of mr.cherrybomb right now and might welcome any sweet advances (not sexual, just sweet- like hugs and kisses). I have to think about this...but I do have a lot of time to do just that. I would be a bit more resistant if mr.cherrybomb was thinking about me this weekend. But I know for a fact he isn't...so why should I sit at home and be bored. I've reached out to him plenty of times now and I'm giving myself a break. He is moving at his own pace because he knows that I want him more than anything and I think he is taking advantage of that. I'm not going to allow him to keep me on "pause mode" while he has a great weekend. No Sir.
Other good news. Terah (my bff) is coming to Chicago for her bday weekend in April! I should probably try to find a lesbian club for her because that might be the finishing touch to get her to move here. LOL. If she moves here, my life will be peachy and I wont have any reason to complain.
My friend Deandre is moving to Spain to play in this orchestra and wants me to come visit him. I have NEVER been out of the country and I'm super excited about visiting him. He still likes me after all of our drama. He says that I just need someone to be patient enough to break through the hard exterior because I'm really wonderful when you get to know me. Yay for me after a little hard work! haha. He is also coming to visit next week and is taking me to my first basketball game! I'm going to see the Bulls play Toronto. I'm trying to think if I have any other news....nope...think that's about it!
Oh wait. I almost forgot. My poor NiNi's dad died this week :o(. She might be coming here to get her mind off of things and I cant wait to see her. I super miss her. She is one of the few people that I love (I'm working on a "who do I love" list...just curious to see who I love. LOL). I'm not sure when she is coming but I think its in about 3 weeks.
OH! And my old Marketing Manager from Tmobile is coming to Chicago tomorrow and we are going to this soccer game. Don't know shit about soccer but I'm ready to get drunk. Obviously this will be a hectic few weeks for me because its a lot going on. Not to mention my birthday, my sisters graduation, and Verny's wedding (which I need a date to). WHEW...busy weeks ahead!
Tuesday, March 22, 2011
Giving Up
Mr.cherrybomb is my hearts worst enemy right now. I don't think anyone has made me this emotional in a long time. Not sure if that's a good thing though. I am one more argument short of crying. I don't know what else to do other than not share how I feel and be quiet. Maybe ill try that since how I feel is never important anyway.
I hate it here again. I want to go home. I need attention and I'm not getting it from who I want it from but am turning down people who want to give it to me for the person who wont. How stupid is that. I just feel like its something here worth staying for so I'm trying....but maybe it isn't anything here and I'm maybe trying to force myself to see otherwise.
I hate it here again. I want to go home. I need attention and I'm not getting it from who I want it from but am turning down people who want to give it to me for the person who wont. How stupid is that. I just feel like its something here worth staying for so I'm trying....but maybe it isn't anything here and I'm maybe trying to force myself to see otherwise.
Train Affection
I just ran into overflow this morning while coming off the train. Ill explain who he is tonight. For now, just know that he is just a friend who happens to be crazy about me. When he saw me, he quickly grabbed me and hugged me. I think he tried to kiss my lips but I gave him the cheek really quick so he couldn't. He was so happy to see me and I was honestly happy to see someone who was actually happy to see me. Man...what a good way to start my morning; being embraced with a hug hug from someone who doesn't think anything bad about you.
Monday, March 21, 2011
The Unfortunate
This Saturday I am going to attempt a project to see how much that I can give back in one day. I'm calling it "Project Return." I don’t know what I am going to do yet though. I was thinking about hitting up the dollar menu and passing out food to homeless people. But that isn’t always a good idea, since many homeless people are faking the funk out here. So maybe I can just offer to buy food for a homeless shelter and volunteer my time.
My sister ended up sending me the pictures today. I guess she proved me wrong! Below is a picture of all of us together this past weekend.
I'm watching The Diary of Anne Frank right now. I cant imagine how horrible it must have been to be so restricted from society...locked up in a little annex with not just your own family, but someone elses. Falling in love with someone because you have to see them everyday. And then falling out of love with them for the same reason. Feeling so much loneliness for two years, although surrounded by 7 other people. Yet I still envy them. For being able to experience such a closeness that only unfortunate circumstances could create. I'm ashamed to say that I never knew the ending to the story of Anne Frank until now...and I don't know why I expected things to end differently than they did, but I'm so hurt by the truth.
Sunday, March 20, 2011
The Easy Way Out
I just watched this movie on Netflix called Shades of Ray. It was a really good movie about a Pakistani-American who while waiting for his current Caucasian girlfriend to accept his proposal, falls in love with this Pakistani-American woman. The whole movie was pretty much centered on him deciding if he could have a real future with a woman who is not in touch with his cultural plights and perspectives or if it would be better to just be with the woman who knows what its like to be Pakistani-American. Well in the end, I found it a little disturbing and rather disappointing that he chose the Pakistani-American woman. I expected the ending to support the idea that love can conquer all or some crap like race doesn’t have to stand in the way of true love. Or, the journey will be rough but it will be worth it. With him choosing the Pakistani-American, there was no life lesson or point at the end. It was such a simple way of dealing with the dilemma. “Just choose the woman who is most like you. It is easier that way.” What a load of shit.
A Hard Head Makes For A Soft Ass
“So you’re from the show-me state, huh?” This was the line that escaped the lips of this high-yellow brother pulling up at the gas station this morning. Tired of guys following up with the played out “well show me something good” line, I decided to cut this one off before he even started. So I responded with “Yeah, I am. Now what clever line are you going to throw at me using that bit of info?” He was taken back for a minute but then he started to laugh. Apparently, the females out here are usually pretty thirsty and welcome any sort of advancement from the opposite sex. My resistance is a dead give-away that I am not a Chicago native. I thought he gave up as he mumbled something under his breath and drove into the gas spot next to me. But when I turned around, he was pumping out the last of my gas for me. So we started to chat and I found out that he just let go of his “boo” because she was a terrible nagger. Feeling very cynical today, I asked him how he would respond if I told him that I myself have been called a nagger by every single man that I have ever went out with. “I would say that I need to see for myself.” I shook my head and laughed aloud. “And if I told you that I was the type of female that slashes tires, busts windows, and scratch up cars…you would still end up walking off of this lot with my number, wouldn’t you?” What do you think he said? I’m sure you didn’t have to think too hard. He said “Yeah, I would.” This goes to show you that giving a man a fair chance to withdraw his proposal to get to know you based on your issues and bad traits up front is a pointless act of consideration as he doesn’t give a damn. Why? Because he thinks you are cute. But I guarantee you, if I ended up slashing this mans tires 3 months from now, he will swear up and down that he didn’t know I was a psycho. YES you did. I told you within the first five minutes of us talking. See, a hard head makes for a soft ass.
Saturday, March 19, 2011
Project BackPack
I'm looking for a stylish backpack right now for my train journeys. It needs to be big enough to hold feminine items, reading books, textbooks and tv dinners. I saw a nice one at Urban Outfitters but it was $50. I'm not sure if I'm ready to spend that much on a backpack so I went on Ebay to expand my search. These are the final five.
$32: Free Shipping
$45: Free Shipping
$32: Free Shipping
$15: $20 Shipping
$32: Free Shipping
Subway Suicides
Its crazy how certain things don't happen until you have guests from out of town. Never have I had a problem on the bus or the train while in Chicago. But for some reason, because my folks were here, a little boy decides to try and mug my sister and a man attempts suicide on the subway. So now of course they are scarred from ever riding on either ever again and I cant really blame them.
But man, it felt so good to be around my family this weekend. I miss them so much already and feel both rejuvenated and homesick all at the same time. We took cute pictures around the city but I bet I wont ever see them because they aren't on my camera. Its like pulling teeth to get someone to send you your pictures from their personal camera. Its always awkward when you have to keep subtly mentioning to someone to upload your pictures because you're afraid that you will bug them so much that they will just say screw it altogether and delete all of them. -crosses fingers and says a quick prayer-
On another note, the generous old lady took us shopping, which was great because I realized that I have developed a little fashion sense since I have been out here. I like my new style...whenever I get a day to express it, that is. Oh, and I do look sexy today. Where am I going? No where. But still...go me!
The only bad thing that happened this weekend was that mr.cherrybomb and i wont be talking on that level - if we ever were talking on that level. I'm so confused with what he is asking of me or what he is not asking of me that i feel a friendship is better than nothing at all. No matter how much I like him, I don't know what he wants and I cant figure it out. I'm frustrated with the whole situation. -grr-
But man, it felt so good to be around my family this weekend. I miss them so much already and feel both rejuvenated and homesick all at the same time. We took cute pictures around the city but I bet I wont ever see them because they aren't on my camera. Its like pulling teeth to get someone to send you your pictures from their personal camera. Its always awkward when you have to keep subtly mentioning to someone to upload your pictures because you're afraid that you will bug them so much that they will just say screw it altogether and delete all of them. -crosses fingers and says a quick prayer-
On another note, the generous old lady took us shopping, which was great because I realized that I have developed a little fashion sense since I have been out here. I like my new style...whenever I get a day to express it, that is. Oh, and I do look sexy today. Where am I going? No where. But still...go me!
The only bad thing that happened this weekend was that mr.cherrybomb and i wont be talking on that level - if we ever were talking on that level. I'm so confused with what he is asking of me or what he is not asking of me that i feel a friendship is better than nothing at all. No matter how much I like him, I don't know what he wants and I cant figure it out. I'm frustrated with the whole situation. -grr-
Friday, March 18, 2011
Thursday, March 17, 2011
Miami is in Mint Condition
Workplace drama has pushed me to make some bold moves for myself. Needless to say, "bold" for me these days means "expensive." I wont speak on the workplace drama because I am completely over it. But I will say that it resulted in me buying myself two tickets.
The first was a ticket to Miami for my birthday in May. I have been watching these American Airline prices like a hawk each week for 3 months. The prices were always at $190 each way, totalling around $360 round trip after tax. Can you believe those bad boys dropped down to $86 each way?! No way was I passing that up. Whether I can afford it or not isn't important. It was clearly American Airlines' birthday gift to me and I don't pass up gifts. Its funny how much I spoiled myself last year with multiple trips to Miami among many other places without being phased. But hell...right about now, I feel like a million bucks!
The second was a ticket to Mint Conditions concert in Chicago next Friday. It was only $50 and I couldn't pass up some good old school in person. Hilarious how every time I tell someone I am going to their concert, they respond with "they're still alive?" haha.
On another note...my mom and sister are visiting this weekend! I cannot wait to be around people who know me. -sigh- I love the familiar. I started applying for other jobs this week too and it made my job a lot less stressful. LOL. In fact, it made living in the city less stressful altogether. I'm starting to think that submitting applications can be therapeutic.
The first was a ticket to Miami for my birthday in May. I have been watching these American Airline prices like a hawk each week for 3 months. The prices were always at $190 each way, totalling around $360 round trip after tax. Can you believe those bad boys dropped down to $86 each way?! No way was I passing that up. Whether I can afford it or not isn't important. It was clearly American Airlines' birthday gift to me and I don't pass up gifts. Its funny how much I spoiled myself last year with multiple trips to Miami among many other places without being phased. But hell...right about now, I feel like a million bucks!
The second was a ticket to Mint Conditions concert in Chicago next Friday. It was only $50 and I couldn't pass up some good old school in person. Hilarious how every time I tell someone I am going to their concert, they respond with "they're still alive?" haha.
On another note...my mom and sister are visiting this weekend! I cannot wait to be around people who know me. -sigh- I love the familiar. I started applying for other jobs this week too and it made my job a lot less stressful. LOL. In fact, it made living in the city less stressful altogether. I'm starting to think that submitting applications can be therapeutic.
Tuesday, March 15, 2011
Hitchhiking Error
I almost died this morning! My car battery died and I had to walk until I found a bus stop or a taxi. On the way to work, I saw this old white man parked in his car from a distance that I believed to be this old white man that I work with. He honked at me to come over to him and I rested assured that it was indeed him and that I could stop walking. When I got in, he drove off and put his hand on my thigh and asked me where I was going. I responded "to work" and he said back "you feel like making an extra few bucks? I looked at him and said "no sir." He asked me did I have any kids so I hit him with "no, but I'm expecting one...I'm pregnant." He actually had the courage to look at me and say "well we know what you have been doing, don't we?" Needless to say, I got out of the car that I shouldn't have been in in the first place and caught the bus to work. I better figure out a plan to getting to my car today so that I don't have to hitchhike again!
Regardless, I feel great today. Then again, I always feel good after I wake up with mr.cherrybomb next to me.
Regardless, I feel great today. Then again, I always feel good after I wake up with mr.cherrybomb next to me.
Monday, March 14, 2011
Casket Effect
I felt really strange today. And the strangeness has nothing to do with the $35 parking ticket that I found on my car this morning :o/ I'm just so extremely tired...of everything. Of job hunting, of dream chasing, of saving money, of having to spend money, of the internal war with my race, of female animosity, of men who think their child support is enough to provide for the random daily expenses of a child, of the governments pimp hand, everything.
I'm mostly tired of being confused. And relocating just added more confusion because now I have to decide whether or not I want to stay here or go back home. Every day pulls me in different directions. I keep thinking about my aunts body in the casket. She left behind so much...too much. And I'm not a family person by far, but if I knew she was going to die, I would have spent so much more time with her. I miss her, and its hard for me to understand why I miss her because I'm so divided from my family. Maybe its the thought of what she went through before death that bothers me so much. I never spoke to her about what she was going through but I don't feel that it takes rocket science to figure it out. I'm afraid because I see so much of myself in her...the same wrong decisions...the same dependency on people...the same depression. She had so much support from my family but I honestly feel that it wasn't the type of support that she needed. -shrugs- but what does my opinion matter? It's too late to do anything about anything at this point.
I'm mostly tired of being confused. And relocating just added more confusion because now I have to decide whether or not I want to stay here or go back home. Every day pulls me in different directions. I keep thinking about my aunts body in the casket. She left behind so much...too much. And I'm not a family person by far, but if I knew she was going to die, I would have spent so much more time with her. I miss her, and its hard for me to understand why I miss her because I'm so divided from my family. Maybe its the thought of what she went through before death that bothers me so much. I never spoke to her about what she was going through but I don't feel that it takes rocket science to figure it out. I'm afraid because I see so much of myself in her...the same wrong decisions...the same dependency on people...the same depression. She had so much support from my family but I honestly feel that it wasn't the type of support that she needed. -shrugs- but what does my opinion matter? It's too late to do anything about anything at this point.
Sunday, March 13, 2011
Photo Plan In Progress
I came up with a pretty decent price plan for what I feel comfortable charging and what I can offer without shame or any apprehensions. I want to offer 4 packages based off of this formula:
1. $60 Package
30 minute photoshoot
No wardrobe changes
4 photos selected on site by customer to be retouched
+ Full CD [unedited] an extra $30
2. $80 Package
30 minute photoshoot
1 wardrobe change
5 photos selected on site by customer to be retouched
+ Full CD [unedited] an extra $30
3. $100 Package ($10 savings)
30 minute photoshoot
1 wardrobe change
8 photos selected on site by customer to be retouched
+ Full CD [unedited] an extra $30
4. $140 ($10 savings)
30 minute shoot
2 wardrobe changes
8 photos selected on site by customer to be retouched
Full CD [unedited] included
$20 for time
$10 per wardrobe change
$10 per photo retouch
$30 per full [unedited] CD of photoshoot
1. $60 Package
30 minute photoshoot
No wardrobe changes
4 photos selected on site by customer to be retouched
+ Full CD [unedited] an extra $30
2. $80 Package
30 minute photoshoot
1 wardrobe change
5 photos selected on site by customer to be retouched
+ Full CD [unedited] an extra $30
3. $100 Package ($10 savings)
30 minute photoshoot
1 wardrobe change
8 photos selected on site by customer to be retouched
+ Full CD [unedited] an extra $30
4. $140 ($10 savings)
30 minute shoot
2 wardrobe changes
8 photos selected on site by customer to be retouched
Full CD [unedited] included
Saturday, March 12, 2011
Hustle Time
Well I officially started my new blog for what I discussed the last time. www.therestorationproject.blogspot.com. Its pretty cool so far and it includes some updates that aren't included in this blog (wink wink).
On another note...this weekend has been pretty decent (my weekends start on Friday if you haven't figured out by now). I saw a couple of friends, got my car battery jumped, and visited a new area in Chicago. That doesn't really sounds like a great weekend though does it? LOL but it is. If I was back in Saint Louis, I would be spending money right now. But I'm not in Saint Louis. So it looks like I have to resort to something more constructive. Maybe I'll go explore Chinatown. I'm just sick of spending my weekends planning for some future goal that I never act on.
Being around all of these hustlers out here is making me want to get this photography thing going. It doesnt matter whether or not I am any good...I am good enough to get a few dollars. I think I'm going to try to do a photoshoot on each of my off days. Let me create a business plan and get back to you. L8ta G8ta
On another note...this weekend has been pretty decent (my weekends start on Friday if you haven't figured out by now). I saw a couple of friends, got my car battery jumped, and visited a new area in Chicago. That doesn't really sounds like a great weekend though does it? LOL but it is. If I was back in Saint Louis, I would be spending money right now. But I'm not in Saint Louis. So it looks like I have to resort to something more constructive. Maybe I'll go explore Chinatown. I'm just sick of spending my weekends planning for some future goal that I never act on.
Being around all of these hustlers out here is making me want to get this photography thing going. It doesnt matter whether or not I am any good...I am good enough to get a few dollars. I think I'm going to try to do a photoshoot on each of my off days. Let me create a business plan and get back to you. L8ta G8ta
Sunday, March 6, 2011
Trying God Again
I have got to be the most emotionally unstable woman in the whole United States. Yesterday I felt as if I was ready for a relationship with mr.cherrybomb and now I feel as if I dont want a relationship with anyone. I have been so carefree since I have relocated to this city and even though I said I would chill out after 'that one night', I haven't. It makes me feel so smothered and weighted down when I have all of these 'dirty deeds' as I call them, on my shoulders. I dont feel as if I have been treating my heart, or body with respect since I have been here and I need to start.
So, after having a heart-to-heart conversation with my mom about where I am officially screwing up, I have made up my mind that I'm about to redirect my strategies and try to restore my relationship with God. I miss him anyway and I feel like life is so less complicated when I put him in it. Besides, how can I go wrong with a "no hell ON earth and no hell AFTER earth" plan?
And I need an attitude change for sure. My attitude is shot...
So, after having a heart-to-heart conversation with my mom about where I am officially screwing up, I have made up my mind that I'm about to redirect my strategies and try to restore my relationship with God. I miss him anyway and I feel like life is so less complicated when I put him in it. Besides, how can I go wrong with a "no hell ON earth and no hell AFTER earth" plan?
And I need an attitude change for sure. My attitude is shot...
Saturday, March 5, 2011
The Product
Well yesterday was another great Friday in Chicago. The car show was awesome! I have never seen so many polished old school vehicles in my life. I was there from 12pm to 10pm and although my phone was dead the entire time, I did not even care. I wish I knew more about cars though, so that I could have taken pictures of the ones that were supposed to be a really big deal. To me, they all look great considering that I'm riding around in a '99.
Jeremy (the guy who invited me) was really nice and a such a gentleman. He treated me to lunch and dinner and let me stay in his hotel room to nap while he worked the event. But for some reason, I kept anticipating the night so that I could hopefully see mr.cherrybomb. It was so ironic that the minute that I put my phone on the charger, a call from him shot right through my phone. But the night didn't end well with us. I wont get into details but it resulted in me going over to his house and then going home to my house in the same night.
I don't know whats going on with my feelings for him, but to be straightforward- I want to be with him...and that scares me because I don't know how to handle wanting to really be with someone. Usually I just want a bf, but in this case, I want him specifically. But it feels like there is so much tension between us right now but strangely its making me want him even more...and I don't know his reason for the tension but I can honestly say that mine has been because I'm realizing how much I like him and its making me uncomfortable.
Anywayz, check out some of the photos I took at the car show. I narrowed them down to the more artsy photos (so you cant actually tell what car I took a picture of, sorry).
Friday, March 4, 2011
Car Show in North Chicago
Today there is a car show in north Chicago; in 30 minutes actually. This guy that I met from Enterprise offered to pay me to come help him sell some stuff at the show and God knows I need both the money AND to communicate with living beings right now. I just cant seem to bring myself to get out of bed though..not tired, just lazy. But I think I will go ahead and go though. I can use the experience photographing something new.
Speaking of which!!! mr. cherrybomb brought me back a camera from his home in DC that I am so psyched about using. It is a Canon Rebel 2000-an old school camera that takes film but has a 28-90mm lens. It's a camera designed for advanced amateurs -sighs- I'm in love with this camera already. I purchased some film yesterday (which I probably loaded all wrong) and am ready to take this baby out for a test drive! I cant wait to see the difference in picture quality between this and my digital SLR. I'll even load some of the pics on here when I get back. Yes...that is reason enough to get up.
Tuesday, March 1, 2011
Loss of Breath
I feel like I cant breathe right now. Its like everything around me is moving so fast and I feel like I'm at the end of this treadmill, trying to catch up to speed while trying not to fall off. I don't feel like I'm moving any slower than normal but when I look up, everyone and everything is so much farther out than I'm comfortable with.
People that I spent my whole life around are getting married, starting families, buying homes, owning businesses and I haven't even loved someone yet. Hell...I haven't even started loving myself entirely yet. I think that is what scares me the most...that I know now that this feeling I have isn't related to love...it cant be resolved with the presence of someone else in my life. Its something that I have to figure out and I don't know how or where to start.
No matter where I go, I feel like the space that I am in is too small and its closing in on me. I just want to scream from frustration. Everyone has all of these ideas on how to "fix" the problem, but its more to this than they can understand. I cant just "relax" and stop feeling like this and it cant just "get better." Of course I have my good days but they are so few. And the fear of what I have lost and what I will never have is drowning me. I only have a few minutes throughout the day to think about life and because I'm so hateful of the present, I spend those minutes mourning for the past.
No matter where I go, I feel like the space that I am in is too small and its closing in on me. I just want to scream from frustration. Everyone has all of these ideas on how to "fix" the problem, but its more to this than they can understand. I cant just "relax" and stop feeling like this and it cant just "get better." Of course I have my good days but they are so few. And the fear of what I have lost and what I will never have is drowning me. I only have a few minutes throughout the day to think about life and because I'm so hateful of the present, I spend those minutes mourning for the past.
I'm having a hard time facting the fact that I have changed so much since college. I keep looking through pictures from 2003-2008, searching for the person that I am now. But when I look at the pictures, I see a completely different person. And then when I compare pictures from then to now, I can see the difference in my facial expression and it scares me.
THEN : 2008
NOW : 2011
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