Psycho's Impact

So I went out with "psycho" the other day and it was a bad idea.  He was charming (in his way), sexy, and enticing. Man...he is so confident and assertive.  Being around him made me lonely...so very lonely.  It opened up a a whole can of worms that I wasn't trying  to face.   I had almost forgotten how good it felt to lay next to a protective guy.  With him laying next to me, even while we slept, I felt safe as hell.  But I know that's the best that he can give me.  He is inconsistent with his actions.  One night of perfect him turns into nothing but a collection of "hello" and "goodbye" text messages. I want him but understand that I cant have him the way that I would like to.

Non-Marketable

Do you think its possible that a person can be so scarred and bitter that they will never be "marketable" again? I don't think I can be fixed.

TONIGHT!

I am so excited! Me and Barb are going to see paranormal 3 tonight!!!!

10/21 10:44am- The movie was awesome.  I never screamed so much in my life! The ending sucked though. :/

Psycho Returns

So...guess who sent me a text this week, asking to give "us" another try.  

Psycho!  

Psycho is the one that I was talking to for a couple of weeks that snapped on me.  He sent me the verbally abusive text messages followed by the "I love you" text message. 

(refer to my June 19, 2011 blog: He Snapped...He is Psycho). 

For some screwed up reason, it took me a couple of weeks to turn him down.  I think it had a lot to do with how much I miss an aggressive man and you cant get much more aggressive than him. 

The funniest part about all of this is that when I turned him down, his response was "okay, thanks."  Wow...way to show me that you are interested...or in this case...way to show me that you are NOT interested.

I'm so happy that I did not break, I clearly would have regretted it!

<3 GOD for giving me strength!

Me and Barb!

Aggravated and Intense

I am extremely aggravated right now.

I don't recall ever mentioning this guy in any of my posts but I'll call him Mr.BS because he is full of shit. I know that I talk to a lot of guys off and on-clearly there is no consistency or stability in my dating diet.  So lets not act surprised by this random mention of a guy that has not been formally introduced until now.

Mr.BS has been around for going on 2 years.  Hes young, a liar, and unreliable.  As much as I hate him, I care for him just as much.  I keep trying to block out all of his positives so that I can let his negatives be what breaks me away from him.  But whenever I try to do this, I cant stop picturing stupid stuff like his smile...or his laugh...the way he rushed to my house without hesitation to help me study for my Accounting test...the way he holds on to me when he's telling me all of the things he loves about me...and the way he says "I love you"...the way my mom likes him and how he blends in with my family when meeting them...how when he kisses me I end up forgetting how much I hate him...how he understands everything my perspectives...the way that he can tolerate my attitude...how I can yell at him and it does not affect him.  I love the way that he loves me. 

How does this relate to my aggravation? 

Mr.BS doesn't know what he wants-he says what he wants but then doesn't follow through.  I cant keep dealing with him.  He is so inconsistent with his actions and so unreliable.  But for some reason...life without him just seems so boring and so dry.  He brings excitement into my day...my life...and I would love to spend the rest of my life with his spirit.  But there is no way that I can keep tolerating his BS.

I have tried to move on.

But if the guy that I am moving on with cant bring the same energy...I find myself falling in love with Mr.BS all over again.

Meditate on This

I'm So Ashamed

I'm ashamed of myself...humiliated...embarrassed.  Why?  Because I actually purchased Beyonce's CD today (4).  I cant believe I did that.  I hate her music...absolutely hate it. 

Unfortunately, I love a couple of the songs on her album and couldn't do without them  Now that I look at it, it's damn near every song. Ugh.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Mood Swings

My mood just did a heavy swing and I'm not feeling happy at all.  For the second night in a row, the events/parties that me and my company were to attend, did not kick off. We ended up in the car, waiting, and then back at my apartment.  I always feel like crap when I cant show visitors a good time.  I don't want anyone to come here and regret being here. He promises me that that isn't the case but I cant help but to think he's trying to be nice. The cats are of course irritating him but he is taking it rather well; better than most people, and he actually has a genuine allergy toward them.

Shanell is getting married in August.  I know I don't mention her often but that's my oldest bff.  The one that I knew before I actually knew myself.  There are no words to express how happy I am that she's finally with someone that she feels she can spend her life with; especially considering how much BS we dealt with growing up.  She asked me to be in her wedding.  I would rather shoot her wedding though.  I think its more special to capture her moments for her than to be in the actual wedding. Of course no one would agree with me.  Being in her wedding means commuting non-stop to Saint Louis so that I can be present for rehearsals and things.  I do not have the time nor the vacation time to do that.  I have 2 jobs for christ's sake and I'm not in the position to take off of either one.  I don't know what I'm going to do. Not to mention, I'm so detached from people in my past...I don't know if I even belong in her wedding.

News X 2

I'm feeling happy.

My company is having fun in Chicago...and as much as I want to like him on a romantic level, I don't.  I don't know what it is... I just don't think that we have the most jaw-dropping connection.  It's weird.  Like... we have a connection when we are together.  But when we are apart, I feel nothing. Are you supposed to stop liking the person that you're hanging out with once they are out of sight?

ON ANOTHER NOTE

I was approved for the apartment! AND they are letting me choose whether to move in November or to wait until December.  Since my current lease isn't up until November 30, it will help me so much to save $700 and move in December.  This is the new design that I'm shooting for with my apartment.

And you wont believe this.  GUESS who called me yesterday and asked about job opportunities in Chicago?? Terah!! My bff.  Can you believe that she finally came around?  It took a year but I guess she is finally coming to her senses.  Looks like the end of this year will be a great one <3

Playing With Fire

GREAT news! I have not had any physical contact (and physical contact is not about sex - okay? physical contact is kissing, hugging, cuddling, etc) with anyone since August 12, 2011...well...up until this past Sunday that is. Yay me! Go me!  Go team Jossi!  The slip up was due to an unexpected visit from this guy that I may or may not have mentioned in a previous blog.  It was only a kiss though-a few kisses actually-nothing else.  It's weird how amazing one kiss can feel when you go without physical attention for so long. 

But I'm sure that this winning streak is about to be put on the line as a friend of mine will be arriving tonight from my hometown...to stay with me for the week.  Why I would put myself in this situation, I dont know.  We have a few things planned too-things that lead to things.  I'll be good...I promise.