Just A Thought

You know, its kind of crazy how when things go so wrong in your life, clarity shines its face on other areas in your life. I didnt realize how much I loved a certain person until I lost a relationship with another. I thought for a minute that maybe it was the "rebound effect". That maybe I thought I was loving this "run to" man only because I had lost the current man. But then I thought about why I always run to this one man everytime things fall apart in my life. But I already knew the answer. He's my breath...he's my comfort...he eases the pain...he knows just how to ease the pain...and he wants to ease the pain. Its like... any relationship I try to start with anyone else is damned because Im trying to force something that cant be... because Im supposed to be with him. I love this man so much that I dont mind us exploring other options until our time comes. In fact, I encourage it. Someone told me that this is so disfunctional but I think its the opposite. You see, when I get with him, I want him to be fully developed and ready for me. I want him to have grown into a man from his experiences and to know that Im the best for him because hes tried the rest. And I want to be the same with him. I dont want to trip about the same childish things I trip about today with him when we are together. I want to get all of this "little girl" out of my system.

Glaucoma, NYC, and ChoiceTime Days

Everything I ever imagined. That pretty much sums up my trip to NYC. I have never been treated like such a Princess and it pains me to come back to this hellhole and be treated like the StL girl that I am. I don't want to go into details (its very private) but I will say that I am so at peace with myself after this trip that I cant even allow myself to get mistreated in StL again...at least not for a very long time. I'm feeling so empowered lately - with both males AND female friends. I'm already planning another trip back! I even got some very cool pictures for my portfolio! One bad thing did happen on my trip though. I temporarily had my vision impaired and found out that I might have glaucoma. I don't feel like going blind...not right now at least, so I hope that this doctors visit will be in my favor. I know for a fact that I cant wear contacts anymore so I will have to be this ugly four eyed monster for the rest of my life. How can I be a photographer with face goggles? Anyhoo, the doctor in NYC was crazy. She was yelling at me, screaming "why do you wear contacts? Tell me why. Don't ever wear them again." When I left, I felt like I had done wrong by HER more than by MYSELF! Turns out, she had dealt with many young girls who had a corneal ulcer such as myself who ended up going blind while trying to be cute with contacts. I wont lie, I cried all day about it. I think my physical appearance is really important to me but I don't think it should weigh heavier than being able to see...but clearly my actions say that it does. I have my priorities all messed up. And just to think, here I am complaining about my life and how screwed up it is that I have no career goals and I might not be able to see out of one of my eyes. Life is a joke sometimes.

Enterprise was cheating me out of 2 of my emergency days off work (and we only get 7) and I finally got the issue resolved today. It took 5 months but now I have a total of 4 days that I can spontaneously call off of work. If you work for Enterprise you would understand how big of a deal this is. Whats funny is how I was just telling a friend of mine that its crazy how your day can improve by having something mistakenly threatened in your life. Out of the blue something is almost taken from you and you freak out like crazy. Then once the mistake is cleared up, your day is somehow better than when it started lol. My friend said he got a phone call from this credit guy telling him that his credit was screwed up and he owed all of this money. Once the mistake was cleared up my friend was like "omg, so my credit is okay?!" and was ecstatic (as if he thought his credit was messed up from the get-go lol).

I think I'm ready to move out and get an apartment. I told myself that if after one year I am still unemployed (without a career) then I would come to terms with the fact that I am "nothing" and just move the hell out. SO, I am officially getting my own spot. I'm ready anyway so its perfect timing. I appreciate my mom allowing me to stack my money but now its time for me to stand on my own. Don't you think? I was talking to this lady on the airplane about that and she motivated me to do quite a lot...which reminds me...isn't it crazy how you have this deep ass conversation with the person next to you on a plane like you're bff's? Well, I was under the impression that once the conversation ended, you would say your goodbyes and wish each other well. I mean hell, its hard enough not asking for their contact info after such a deep convo. Anyway, when we landed, I walked off the plane behind her and bent over to tie my show. I just KNEW my airplane buddy was right next to me, waiting for me so that we could walk into the airport together. I looked up and this hoe was all the way in the airport! I was SO offended and then felt stupid because I WAS offended. It just seemed so rude to me...I felt used and unappreciated lol. After those feelings passed, I then felt humiliated for expecting more from your airplane friendship.

I think I'm learning so much about life now and enjoying the world that I could care less about my career and its progression. That shit is so overrated. It seems like people need a career to get a sense of self-accomplishment (Maslow's hierarchy of needs breaks this down). But I'm not going to fall into this trap anymore. I like living for myself right now...more than I like living for corporate America. I know one thing...I better get my act together at this call center so that I continue to explore my new life or else I'm outta there and back to hardcore restrictions at a REAL job!

Bringing back the List...LoL

I remember when the guys from SEMO made that list at school about the top 10 "hoes" and top 20 ugly females and so much drama kicked off from it. Well this list is a little different. Anna inspired me to make my list from her blog. Its a list about the top 25 things that you may not know about me. Some you might have guessed and some might surprise you. Not everything is a "revealation" of depth or is a factual statement. Some of these are just comments I have held back from saying. Let us begin (LoL)

1. I'm sick of people (especially guys) acting dissapointed with me for not wanting to wear my natural hair. Im NOT walking around with thin ass flat hair just so you can receive some inner satisfaction knowing that im not "weaved up" so LET -IT-GO.

• To the girls-bitch you have a head full of hair and your selfish ass wants me to subject myself to being humiliated or disregarded while you get accolades all day. Quit pretending it looks okay because last week we had a joaning session for thin hair hoes because it DOESNT look okay.
• The the guys-nigga, you didnt know this but Im the same female you walked past last year because I didnt "catch your eye" with my "natural". Now you are buying me something to eat everyday with my weave in. WHY in the HELL would I change this?

2. I have absolutely no one that I look up to - no role model, no one I aspire to be like

3. The happiest time in my life that I can remember right now is exchanging devotionals with Anna every day on the shuttle before class

4. I regret not taking that job as Admissions Representative with that school

5. With all of the complaining I do about not having a career, I have not physically went out to look for any job. Not one...

6. I could care less about a relationship or my career. I only care because its on my to-do-list

7. The most exciting part of my day happens monthly when my Essence magazine comes...but I dont even read it

8. I sing Keisha Coles song " You Complete Me" to God every morning before I go to work. - go read the lyrics

9. Im ridiculously satisfied with my dildo

10. The next person that undermines my intelligence or plays on my insecurities will get slapped

11. I am irritated by people who are so image conscious that they think its okay to finance a car instead of driving around in a cheap car like mine

12. I spent $600 in 3 months experimenting with going natural...and still wear weave (no, it didnt break me-which leads me to #13)

13. I think its stupid to pay $500 a month so you can say youre a grown up. Grown ups make responsible decisions for their future. I can afford to move out because I dont pay $500 a month. Can you afford to move out? Being "grown up" doesnt mean struggling just to say youre a grown up when you dont have to.

14. I prefer an attentive uneducated male over an educated male who claims he has no time for me.

15. I would rather talk to a stranger online than to most of my friends (not all, most)

16. I hate the SEMO spotlight section of their website and I resent all the fucks who made it there

17. I dont know what I want to do with my life and I dont give a shit

18. I miss my daddy and I miss walking home from school with my white friends

19. I buy things off ebay because I like getting packages in the mail

20. Im not going to pay Salle back. She can forget about it

21. When I dont answer the phone for you, it doesnt mean that Im at work or with a nigga-contrary to popular belief

22. I miss Abby and think about her all of the time (my cat)

23. Im still mad at Dre for letting my hamster burn to death in college

24. I like to work because I dont like to live

25. If I could give up my dreams to be taken care of by someone else, I would.

Dis..the Word of the Day

Discouragement, that's the word of the day. Im feeling very discouraged today. I keep reading the same pages in my photography book over and over and over and I just cant seem to grasp concepts anymore. I dont like where this is going. Im afraid Im going to lose this....and I dont want to lose this. Its not like I dont care about photography anymore, its that I am feeling so "incapable". Photography is all I think about and all I like to talk about, so why is it that I cant understand things? I think my heart is distracting me, in all honesty. Ive been feeling all weird lately, toward Mr.NyC. Not a bad weird, just a "realization" weird. I think Im starting to realize the truth about love . Its different with him than how its ever been with any other man and its providing me with a type of contentment and peace that Im not used to. He feels so long term to me, like its not about playing a game or winning his heart. Its actually about learning something that Im not too fond of...consideration of a man Im involved with. Usually I have this theory of them being undeserving of my genuine interest and consideration. But Mr.NyC is more than deserving. However, I think that my lack of consideration has wore him thin. Im trying this time though! I'm listening more when he talks and I really want to know things about him. But Ive trained myself not to listen to men because they are temporary. But maybe they are temporary only because I trained myself not to listen. Anyway, the thing is, I see him breaking down walls too. To be honest, I kinda want to just be around him now. I like to laugh with him more than anything. I dont think he sees us the way I see us but I know he sees me in his own way thats still good. I have so much more to learn about him though and I dont want to learn these things from so far away. Im thinking something...are you thinking what I'm thinking...?

Beauty Blues

well i am dissapointed to find out that my pictures were damaged by walgreens' stupid machine. i finally compared the print outs from the original source to the walgreens prints and boy was there more of a difference than i thought. some of the pics had a total color change that i didnt notice in the midst of all of the excitement. I took them back for a refund and the manager was "apologetic" but sorry just isnt going to cut it for me. You see, the guy who holds the originals is too hard to get in touch with and if I take these pics back and dont get the originals from him then my first pics are gone with the wind. I hope he gives them back to me before I am ineligible for a refund. :o( I guess with all of the excitement that I felt from seeing my pictures enlarged, I didnt notice the damages. Oh wellz. I did by my new camera though! I found out that its a discontinued camera (which sucks ass) but thats okay because its still considered to be a great camera for beginners. In fact, it had higher ratings by consumers than the camera that replaced it!

I am about to head out and do some moving with my Aunt before work. Amazing how this day was so pretty and now so gloomy out. I guess mother nature is in sync with my pain. :o(

So Photogenic..or no?

Im a photographer! I just took my first 12 official portfolio pictures and they are beaUtiful, I swear! I wish I could post them up on my blog for you all to see but I only have the print out versions; I'm working on that though because I do need them for my photography website. Im also thinking about making some business cards when I get good (with one of my photo designs on it). I found an awesome deal on a Digitial SLR camera. Its a Nikon D50 with a retail value of $450-700. This man whose been helping me out is going to sell it to me for $350 whenever I'm ready. Should I buy this thing now or wait? What about the business cards? Should I make them now or wait until I know I am great at what I do? The guy whose helping me says the reason he is doing so well is because he didnt wait or waste time on learning. He said he went in for the kill and even agreed to take pictures at concerts for people who had heard about him, knowing that he was an amateur. I know Im always trying to be over-prepared but this is different and I dont feel like I need to be. Im not flighty about this photography thing...this is it. I've studied to the max and I feel prepared and for once in my life CONFIDENT about my skills. So...who wants a photoshoot?!

BBerry top10

Sooooooo I went out the other night and had the time of my life!! So you know what that means, 8 numbers got trashed and 7 more have joined the BBerry top10. #1 is a ho-dog (I can already tell) but managed to do the currently unthinkable and turn me on sexually without putting a finger on me. #2 is so so sweet and soft spoken (soon to irritate me bec. he is my "yes" man) and is about to go serve our country for 26 weeks. #3 is the one who made me step outta my czone- I actually asked for HIS number-he intrigues the hell outta me but is one of those BAM guys. #4 is an ol skool dude (he doesn't really count, we got caught drinking in my house when we were in high school). #5 is an ol skool dude too (also doesn't count. he used to visit me at college but we stopped talking because he wanted to go to an Alpha party instead of the drag show-i was tripping wasn't it?). #6 was a nobody, but cute. #7 was inappropriately handled but i couldn't resist.


Guess whose getting out of jail in April...yeah. I guess I'm supposed to stop my life and become his 'ride or die' again. Its funny how you regret things once you cant change him-and he does. He's lonely and wants me back but I know its for all of the wrong reasons. No one is there to care for him except for me, and that's why hes attached. I loved being there for him, but I cant let him hold me back in life. He says I'm wrong for that because I shouldn't let my "career goals" stand in the way of my hearts desires. But I beg the differ. Personal success is consistent with your contributions...love is not. And its not love anyway. Both of us got what we wanted at the time (admiration from his end and attention from my end). Besides, I can do better. I know that sounds bad because who am I to judge. But I lived my life intentionally avoiding mistakes because I cared so much about my future. Now its not my fault that he had the typical "i live for the moment" attitude that men have and thought that some good woman would still sacrifice her life's preparation for him. Get real. No more compromising. Speaking of compromise, me and Mr.NYC had a long talk and it wasn't that great. I compromised (after I just said no more compromising), but he did too. However, I wont know if it will benefit me until March 4. I dont know if love compromises in the way that we just did...I wih I could say more but I cant-not just yet.. .

Time To Let Up and Waiting For My 1st Kiss

"Its nothing wrong with not thinking about money all of the time. Its just something wrong if you're not getting it." -wordz of a man I know

I think I have finally reached that point of understanding. Its just that money is the one thing in my life that I can control - and i need to be able to control at least ONE thing in my life, you know? Its so much that I want to do for myself that I cant do for one reason or another and getting money is something so easy to do that no one can take from me. And its ironic because I was always told that an education is something that no one can take from you. But even though they cant take it away, they can take away the opportunity to put it to use...as well as the money to invest into it. Well...today is a new day and I dont know how many days I have left but from this moment on I vow to myself to dedicate my life to me, moi, jossi.

On another note...

I'm in the mood for an old skool kiss. The type that made your stomach dip just thinking about it lol. Its too bad that those cant just be snatched up really quick. It has to have some type of history behind it. Bummer. I think I'll get one in a month though...that sounds ridiculous...but Im almost positive I will. Its weird how you go your whole life thinking that when you fall in love it will just hit you from the moment you meet him when in all actuality it grows on you. I just recently fell in love with someone I've known for so long; someone thats supported every up and down and emotional turn I've experienced. I didnt realize how much I cared about him until I almost lost him...all because I was so wrapped up in what I thought was my "soulmate". I'm so ready to be there for this man whenever he needs me that I damn near want something bad to happen to him just so I can show him how much I love him. I dont daydream about him like I did with my ex's because I experience something better with him. He crosses my mind all throughout the day and I cant help but smile when I think of him. Knowing that I have someone that puts my best interest at heart and cares as much about whats good for me as I do....is so much better. I think that daydream love is for the birds...this feels so much more stable...so much better. Im very "whiney" and he knows just how to be the man with me and keep me together and doesnt baby me. He keeps me strong. I cant really talk to anyone I know about him because they feel that his lack of presence physically in my life makes what we share null and void. I know better. I've waited my whole life for this man and I <3>

Self Exploration...A Death Sentence?

lately it seems like finding out who i really am has become quite costly and honesty im not sure if it is a worthy expense. so far, this is what i've discovered: i am jocelyn, aka routine and structure. i like creative expression, prefer long distance relationships, enjoy starting arguments, and am anal about "much of nothing" . contradictory to the screwed up emotions that those particular 'likes' bring on, im also finding some strange peace in traveling, spoken word, and solitude right now (i emphasize the 'right now'). the irony. is this what people call "finding yourself"?

whats hot though is how i've been learning so much during my journey. im learning about the world of business through an extra class i took and the art form of photography (just to name a couple). now i seem to have this appreciation for different things. this old man i talked to yesterday told me that those things are shaping my character and are making me more well-rounded. and karine said that casual networking (which i do a lot of) is really ideal to concentrate on this day in age (or is it "day and age"? -shrug-) . maybe i don't quite see the big picture yet but it is possible that i could be building a foundation that's destined for success. for now i will see it as a setback toward working for an even bigger corporate slave master.

speaking of which, the corporate slave master is calling for me...40 minutes til' the whip hits my back. l8ta g8ta