The Storm..

There's another hurricane affecting the East Coast right now. My close close friend Syn is there.  He's messaging me from a shelter right now.

Me: Are u ok?
Syn: I'm surviving
Me: :( r u safe?
Syn: Yeah. Chillin in a shelter tryna stay optimistic
Me: I'm scared
Syn: Y r u scared?
Me: Bec I don't want anything to happen to you
Syn: Well u gotta be strong cuz I'm scared
Me: I super love you
Syn: I love u too juju

Just the thought of him being in danger makes me cry.  I love him so much. His worth is shitting on anyone's and that's even just on a friendship level.  This whole hurricane situation just made me realize that I don't want to lose him or any of the people who knew the old me. When he says he loves me...I know that he loves the real me.  Nobody knows the real me anymore and I keep pushing people away.  When I think about people like Syn, I start to remember how insignificant some other people are.

Was Angry So I Cooked

People don't know that I can actually cook - I just don't broadcast it because I don't know how to cook without instructions. I decided to cook out the stress. I made baked ziti and bluecheese green beans topped with walnuts. It was delicious

Figuring Things Out

Lately I've been thinking about my "I Am So Happy Now That" list.  It's kind of like a vision board except its with words instead.  I'm honestly using it right now to psych myself out because I cant really see anything right now that will make me happy.  And NO I'm not depressed or anything, I'm just not motivated by anything. 

I was thinking about the reason why I left Saint Louis and if I am really doing what I set out to do by leaving. I was definitely running away from issues that I didn't want to deal with.  And I thought that leaving would make those issues go away.  But they didn't. Everytime I feel like things are okay, something happens to remind me that they aren't and that I need to face my fears. I just don't feel like I'm ready.   

So clearly its been a while since I've blogged.  I cant even begin to tell you how much has happened in my life so I wont even try.  I'll just start from today.

I'm trying to figure some things out for myself right now. I feel like there is not much that I care about anymore and I'm struggling to find out why. I had someone that I cared about a lot and I think I was clinging to him so hard because I knew that if I let that go, that I wouldn't have anything else to really care about. But now that I've come to terms with the fact that me and this person have no future, I've had no choice but the deal with the fact that I don't care about anything anymore.  I feel like I'm sitting in silence a lot...because there's nothing on my mind. It's kind of scary, actually... to have no dreams anymore.

Obviously there are the basic things that I care about like God, my mom and my sister and my dad and his wife...but other than that...I don't feel passionately about anything in my life anymore. I could care less what direction things go with me because I don't feel that there is anything that will make me happy anymore.  I know I have the potential to do great things but I cant push myself anymore.  Well, its not that I cant but I just don't feel like it. I know its up to me to start putting forth effort but I feel stupid trying to force myself to care about things that I don't care about.

I don't know...