What Is Love? - Part 1

This Is So Fat

yes, that is a bed

In My Face...Or On It

After I exploded in my recent blog, Meshwell turns around and invites me to dinner with him and his mom.  Did I get to go? No...why? Because to add to my horrible holiday, I have a cold sore the size of a mountain on my face and would prefer not to meet someones mother like that.  

Here's my thing though- he knows about my insecurity with my appearance right now.  I even told him that I was planning on spending the holiday in my house because I was too uncomfortable with going out in public like this.  So why would he ask me to come to dinner? It wasn't as if he forgot about it.  When I reminded him about my appearance, he goes "that's up to you."  It was as if he was giving me an option to do something that he knew wasn't a good idea and was leaving it up to me to make a decision. 

At first I was happy that he was cool with me meeting his mom.  And then after I gave it some thought, I started to wonder... "Is this a ploy to make it seem as if he cared enough about me to make an effort to avoid me having to spend Christmas Eve alone? ...asking a question that he already knew the answer to?  You feel where I'm coming from with this?  Like..."Let me ask Jocelyn to dinner so she can't say that I didn't ask.  I know her answer will be no, so its a win win for me."

I guess I will never know...but I am thinking the worst because he never called me to verify if I was coming and it's been about 6 hours since they met up for dinner.  SMH

Embarrassed

Man With A Watch

There is something so masculine and sexy to me about a man who wears a watch

The Other Day

Mad As Hell

I am always in this alone...no matter how many kisses, hugs, visits, sleepovers, or conversations anyone throws me...I'm in this alone.  I don't get help from people.  When something needs to get done, I have to do it by myself, always.  I can only depend on me, each time. It never fails.

And here I am expecting the man which I'm giving all of my time, energy and affection to be there for me when I need him.  Instead, its too much pressure for him and he walks out the door to continue on with his day as if tending to me is an extra stress that he would prefer not to deal with.  

I hate how guys think that its okay for them to make half investments in women.  "DOWN when shit is up and UP when shit is down."  They might as well introduce themselves as "Hey, my name is ___ and I want to be around for the fun and partying but make sure you don't call me when you actually need me." Assholes.

I am mad as hell.     

Reunited & It Feels So Good

Meshwell and I are back to where we left off.  *smiles*  

 We finally went out two nights ago and it was so great spending time with him outside of the house for once.  

I really like this guy and not just because of how he makes me feel.  I love being around him.  

He's got to be one of the coolest, smartest, and entertaining people I know.  

Its been about a month now since we met and I haven't had one argument with him yet.  *shocked face*.  

I just don't have a reason to argue with him...he never makes me mad.  

I am a little nervous about connecting with someone this way...someone who isn't accepting of relationships.  I feel like I am getting myself into an emotional roller coaster that is bound to hit rock bottom.
But I'm no where near ready to get off of this ride...

Busy

I'm so busy right now.  But this is just a message to let you know that TONIGHT I am going to update you like no other update!

Telling The Secret

I've been in the middle of a few things that I've chosen not to blog about for a reason.  I didn't want to jinx myself by talking about it too soon but now its over...so I'm about to vent.

For the past couple of weeks, I have been hanging out with this guy who I felt I had a real connection with (lets call him Meshwell).  If you would have asked me last week if he felt the same, I would have said 'yes'.  But today is not last week and my answer has now changed to 'I doubt it.'


You know what...we started getting close way too fast and that should have been a sign for me to slow things down.  But I couldn't resist.  We started spending way too much time together-playing house almost.  It was almost like we were inseparable for the first two weeks.  And I thought this was because our connection was so strong and our conversations so on point.  But now I'm starting to think that he was just putting in a lot of effort to get sex - which I wasn't about to give.  I'm not in the mood to give reasons for why I thought the connection was strong or why he was probably trying to get sex the whole time.  Just know that I had valid reasons to believe both.

After our 1 hour long arranged meeting to discuss where we stand with each other, a decision was made for us to keep doing what we do (because neither of us wanted to stop) but to do less of it.  Well he took that to heart and has been ghost for the last couple of days - not calling or messaging me at all when he was before hitting me up constantly throughout the day.  I thought he was different-and in a lot of ways he was.  But he's still a black man and I should have known that a degree and good conversation wouldn't mean a change in his black man agenda.

I want to be mad. I want to be FURIOUS.  But I'm not...because a part of me-most of me-isn't even surprised.  Mike (my 'brother') advised that I go get Meshwell out of my mind.  So last night I went out to drink and meet up with Boyfriend 'Thursday' who asked me to be with him every day of the week.  I declined.  I think he was drunk anyway.  I did accept an offer to go out with this guy that  I wanted to make Boyfriend 'Wednesday'.  I think I'll ask him tonight.

Nail Fun

Check out my most recent nail designs. I never did color polish until a couple months ago. I love this !

Last Night

I went out last night and had a ball. I miss the OZ fam and it felt good to get out. 

I had a lot of attention and after looking at this picture of me, I have no idea why. LOL

As always,Wick (green and white) started to promote my photography services to people and I wanted to cry at how I keep neglecting my hobby because of my lack of confidence.  I want to take pictures, I really do. But I'm not confident anymore...I'm just not.

Used and Abused

I am extremely irritated right now with people-people everywhere.  I feel used and unappreciated in every area of my life right now.  Everyone calls me to vent and tell me about whats screwed up in their life and everyone calls me when they need favors.  I cant remember the last time someone (other than my new guy friend and mother) asked me how my day was or whats been going on in my life. SO, I feel used and unappreciated in every area of my life.  Just wanted to get that off of my chest.