Throwback Love

Sometimes I think that if you love more than one person at a time, you can actually end up with two healthy relationships.  I've noticed that men in my life are happier dealing with me when I am not totally engrossed in them.  Right now I am crazy about more than one person and it feels so good wanting them both.  But only one am I falling in love with...and its not the first time I have fallen in love with him.  When I was in high school, back when Blackplanet used to be the top social networking site of our time, I met him and I fell in love so hard.  I don't think he knew it at the time, or would have even cared at that.  I mentioned him 2 blogs ago.  But now "throwback love" isn't an option because of the other woman in his life...so I am continuing to keep the company of one of the guys that I have been dealing with since last month.  And in all honesty, he is growing on me.  We don't fight or anything really.  We just laugh and play a lot.  I like that :o)

On another note, I had my T-Mobile phone interview today and all was smooth sailing until I told her my availability.  She immediately told me that we weren't going to be a good match because of that.  So kiss that goodbye.  Fortunately, right after the interview ended, I received an email from Devry college.  I have a phone interview set up for that tomorrow.  This is actually another job that I am highly interested in so I hope I do well.  It is for a full time position though, so scheduling wont be an issue this time! 

Decisions Decisions Decisions

I have a phone interview Thursday with T-Mobile in Chicago for a part-time job.  I lied on my online application though and put that I was available for every day of the week.  Now I'm scared about how they will react when they find out that I exaggerated and am only available 2 days out of the week. :o/

...BUT...

I also found out that there's a job opening back at home that pays more than what I'm currently making, and is a much easier and fun job...very stress-free.  Only problem is that I would have to apply by 7/4 and if hired, start in July.  Definitely not enough time to get things together to relocate...what to do?  All I keep thinking is how bad I wanna be able to take trips to Miami again...but damn I don't want to leave my Chicago.

And for some reason I've been thinking about that psycho guy lately. I miss hanging out with him when he isn't psycho.

Random thought: when people have black elbows, is it because they didn't use lotion or is there another reason? And how long did they go without lotion (if that's the reason) to get their elbows to look like that?

AhH Im Playing With Fire

o0oH boy am I feeling someone from the old days right now. I'm always feeling somebody but its very different when its someone from my younger days. It means I have some history with them that allows me to be myself and skip the drama that I usually deliver the first few months because I've already delivered it to them way back when. Anyway, this guy used to be my hearts desire, but he always acted like I was an irritating fly in a closed car with windows raised. But now things are proving to be way different. He is my ideal guy, always has been. He is cool, smart, laid back but fun, sexy, inspirational, motivating, such an intellectual, etc. One catch...he is not single anymore. And he seems to love the woman that he is with. I'm not a home wrecker...and we are playing with fire. But the more I keep my distance, the more hes drawn in. And the more he is drawn in, the more I am too. I gotta stop this before I ruin things for him. I'm going to stop...right after the conversation that we are having right now...or maybe right after we have our one weekend together... :o/

When Terah Is Near

Whenever Terah is here in Chicago, I dont want to go back home. I love having her around.  Anything unbearable seems bearable...even a bit humorous...when shes around.  I need her here with me :o(

Guess ill get back to work...my boring job at my boring desk....

Secret #7 and Roman Ice Tea

lmao so me, Terah and her new boo went to White Castles today and felt like screwing with the help (is that what you call the fast food workers? the help? LoL damn I'm not sure...Im drawing a blank).  So we went to the front and asked them did they still have that secret #7 meal that comes with a roman ice tea. lmao.  Im too old to do stupid stuff like that. But it was so much fun.  Like what the hell is a roman ice tea?  I went on facebook and posted it on some pages. I wanna see how many days it takes before that spreads.  what idiot will believe that its a free hidden meal on the menu as long as you order a roman ice tea with it. AHH yes! the sweet feel of immaturity.

Oh yeah, Terah is in love :o)



Thoughts of Today

I decided that I'm ready to move back home whenever the opportunity presents itself.  Of course that's if I don't get a better job here first.  I don't miss home (love it here actually) and I am surviving here but I miss being able to spoil myself...I miss taking myself on vacations when I am stressed out.  I would rather hate the city I live in if I can afford to run away from it from time to time than to love the city I live in and be restricted to my house because I have no money to go out.  I'm unhappy right now, just like I was back at home.  :o( 

Down on Myself

Today looks like another "down on myself" day.  I found a really great job that I am not really qualified for but the job posting doesn't require much so I am going to apply anyway.  It pays enough to allow me to stay in Chicago comfortably for sure.  And it is only 10 minutes from my house as opposed to my current job which is 60 minutes away.  Its taking me forever to apply because I'm struggling with the cover letter.  I know that the cover letter is going to be really important for me because I lack in knowledge.  But there is another position for the same company that pays 10K less, damn near what I am making now...but I know I could get that job.  I cant apply for both, I think that may be tacky.  So I have to choose whether to aim big or aim reasonable.  I don't know what to do...

Guess What I Did

I accidently printed my business cards with my blogsite on them.  So I went online to reorder them, made some additional changes and then after printing them, realized that I put the wrong phone number on them.  Immediately after placing my order, I attempted to cancel my order online but was told that I couldnt because the order was already being processed.  Dude, if I cant cancel my order 1 minute after placing it, then how can a customer ever go about cancelling?!  I called Vistaprint right after seeing the rejection to dispute this, but the number led to an automated system that offered no way to reach a live agent.  BULLSHIT.

I Love JCole Now

Took Him Less Than 24 Hours

What did I tell you?  I woke up this morning and found two missed calls from him as well as a text saying "Jocelyn can we talk please.  Call my phone.  Work out our differences."  Its follow-ups like this that let me know Im not in the wrong-smh- So this was our final conversation via text:

Me: I cant fault you for all of the yelling because I also have a a bad habit of yelling when Im upset.  But yelling is all that I tend to do when Im upset.  The way that you demeaned me through name calling on the phone and through text was so inappropriate and so out of line that I could never be comfortable around you again.  Within two days, you've managed to call me "a stupid ass, insane, a lunatic, a mental case, an argumentative ass clown, and also through in a "fuck you." And weve only known each other for one week.  At no point, especially this early should any person feel comfortable enough to speak to the other this way.  I understand that I made you angry by having an attitude with you, but if my attitude causes you to react that way after just 1 week, then we need to rethink furthering things.

Him: Understandable but I dont want to lose you.

Me:  I understand but you didnt have me yet...you were trying to get to know me to see if we would be a good match.  And its clear that we are not.  I dont see how you can disagree with that afer this weekend...

Him:  Make it work then.  Both of us can do what we need to do to make it work.

Me: Its not that simple.  I dont feel comfortable with you.

Him: Over an argument jocelyn...wow, people argue everyday.

Me: That was more than an argument...and I hope you dont think that is normal...Its not.

Him: Ok, so now what?

Me: So maybe when things calm down, we can try being friends.

Him: Ok whatever makes you happy.  I'll be here when you are ready.

He Snapped...He is Psycho

That dude that I was "dating" is nuts.  I mean, pure nuts.  I don't even know where to begin to tell you what happened so just read...he had been talking to me way too reckless for the last 2 days (and we were only talking for a week).  Friday night things got really bad and I saw what he was verbally capable of.  But yesterday, things went way over the top to the point of disrespect.  In short...we were bickering and arguing over the phone while I was on my way to him.  It got to the point where I caught him lying about where he was.  I saw him while we were on the phone and on the phone he was telling me he was someplace that he wasn't.  When I called him out, he started going off on me, saying he doesn't have a reason to lie to my insane ass, finishing it off with a "fuck this and fuck u". He even left a voicemail calling me a stupid ass while yelling at me. He blocked my calls and texts, telling me to contact him when I got my attitude together along with a few other insults. Well, obviously I'm not going to contact him again after he was so disrespectful.  But because he was on the brink of psychotic, I blocked his facebook page from mine, as well as his texts and calls.  I obviously wanted to remain invisible because I honestly feel that he is mentally unstable. 

So, as the night moved on, so did I. Until my phone showed a pop-up from a rejected text from him.  The text said "Just let u know I'm passing though your area in 20 minutes." WTF? Is this dude crazy? Then he tried to call twice-both calls rejected. Then he sent the text again, another text after that, and then finally a text saying "I love u."  :o/  When he realized that nothing from his number would get through to me, he called me from another his moms number and my dumb ass answered, unknowingly.  Still disrespectful and bossy, his first words when I answered were "What was your purpose for blocking me?  You do that to stalkers, I ain't no stalker." I'm thinking....this appears stalker like to me.  I hung up and he called back and started screaming "if you hang up on me again I fucking swear to God that you will never hear from my goddamn ass again I'm calling from my moms phone for a reason do you got that?!" I did not stay on the phone because I wanted to....I stayed on because I was not trying to piss him off anymore. I just wanted him to resolve whatever issue he had so that he could just leave me alone.  So I sat there, quiet.  While I was sitting there he was still going in on me.  Eventually he got mad at my silence and refusal to talk about the issue and hung up.  I'm thinking...thank God, I hope this is the last time I will hear from him.  Wrong.  He sent me his last text of the night saying "u got a damn problem. My friend told me you were a lunatic and now I see for myself u argumentative ass clown. U a mental case seek help crazy ass fuck."  Granted, I am very argumentative and I need help for a lot of shit...but its clear who is crazy here. Think this is the last I'll hear from him?  I doubt it.

First Fight

Right after I read my blog-sisters post of the signs showing that a new relationship is going downhill, my new guy (from last nights post) ended up doing one of the no-no's on her list. We had an argument...way too early in the game.  And to make it worse, the argument was stupid...more stupid than any argument I ever had.  I cant even say that it wasn't my fault because I don't know why the argument started in the first place.  We are over it now, but I still cant forget how someone makes me feel when we argue and as much as I don't want to admit it...I hold a fierce grudge and once you offend me, I lose some respect for you...and put you in a mental box separate from the pedestal that you were once on.  I like to feel like your princess. And once your image of me changes, then my image of you changes too.   

Lets Get Personal

I've been so busy working on my photography plans that I haven't been able to blog about my personal life.  A lot kicked off and then fell off within the past month.  There is one guy at home that I was interested in furthering a relationship with ended up disappointing me like usual (Deandre-talked about him in another blog with him failing taking me to a bulls game).  You know...I wont even lie...I wish he would have had his shit together because I could see myself with him.  And we were starting to take each other seriously for once.  I even took him to meet my mom.  I guess he was too young to get serious with...damn shame.

Going Up...Going Down

I had so many awesome moments today and then all at once, the day just went downhill.  Check out today's roller coaster:

• Even though its over the 30-day return period, Walgreen's let me return the $40 tower fan that I bought for the $60 one that I really wanted (on sale for $40 this week)!
• There are only 3 free parking spaces at my local Petco.  I pulled in right when someone was pulling out! And then when I got in, there was a buy one get one free deal on the scratching post that I bought for my cats!
• Karine gave me a Staples coupon for 100 free business cards.  They happened to be out of the cheap paper so they gave me the gloss paper instead!  Then I was told that I could come back tomorrow to get another 100.  While I was there, I met a photographer who works at a camera store and is going to show me some affordable equipment that I can buy.
• When I got home, I saw that my vistaprint business card order arrived 10 days earlier than expected!  And the cards look great!
• The process at the DMV to change my title over and get new plates and stickers was way smoother than I thought. Until they told me that I couldn't pay for my plates with a Visa.  WTF...who doesn't take Visa? And then I found out that on top of the $195, I also have to get a windshield./city sticker within 30 days which will cost $85.  On top of that, in order for me to get an Illinois license, I have to pass the written exam that I took when I was what....16?  Geez. So now I gotta study that damn book again.    

The First Step

I did it!  I purchased a domain name, created a website and ordered my business cards -sigh-.  I feel good.  Although, I know that nothing I have done is polished and will all have to be redone properly once I get my feet off of the ground.  I need a price list, more polished business cards, a more polished website and logo (protected), shirts made for my customers, an advertisement hoody or shirt made for me, etc.  This whole process is stressful but so rewarding.  I hope that everything goes as planned...I bring in some business, enough to get that lens I want, and can rebuild my savings account so that I don't have to move back to Saint Louis.  Tired-updates to come!

jdPhotography

Dream Chasing

At what point does dream chasing need to meet reality?  I don't want to become destitute in the process of pursuing my passion...especially when I'm not even confident in my so called "skill." 

I am not in control of my situation.  I cant tell whether or not I am embarking down a path that is going to leave me with regrets.  I cant count how many times people have said to me " Chicago will either make you or break you." or "If you can endure through this, than you can endure through this, then you can endure through anything."  But lets be forreal, what if i cant endure through this, or what if Chicago ends up breaking me?  Is that a risk that i want to take? 

Changes, All Around Changes

Well, these last few weeks have been crazy for me.  I've been going through a lot of changes-feeling motivated out of this world to pursue this photography thing and choosing NOT to date people.  Its refreshing...not having anything to feel disgusted in myself about in the morning. 

On another note, my bff Terah has me officially addicted to vanilla ice coffee's from McDonald's.  I don't even like them all that much, but I cant stop drinking them for some odd reason.  :o/

 My dad and step mom gave me a $200 gift card so that I could purchase my long awaited Nook Color from B&N.  I am psyched about my new toy and I cant stop playing around with it! I downloaded apps for it (of course they were organization apps...I cant get enough of being organized).  Terah picked out the case for the Nook.  I <3 it.

And for some reason, I was determined to go wig shopping and find the curly wig of my dreams.  WTF was I thinking when I put this on?  I don't know...but thank God I put it back on the mannequin head.