Bringing back the List...LoL

I remember when the guys from SEMO made that list at school about the top 10 "hoes" and top 20 ugly females and so much drama kicked off from it. Well this list is a little different. Anna inspired me to make my list from her blog. Its a list about the top 25 things that you may not know about me. Some you might have guessed and some might surprise you. Not everything is a "revealation" of depth or is a factual statement. Some of these are just comments I have held back from saying. Let us begin (LoL)

1. I'm sick of people (especially guys) acting dissapointed with me for not wanting to wear my natural hair. Im NOT walking around with thin ass flat hair just so you can receive some inner satisfaction knowing that im not "weaved up" so LET -IT-GO.

• To the girls-bitch you have a head full of hair and your selfish ass wants me to subject myself to being humiliated or disregarded while you get accolades all day. Quit pretending it looks okay because last week we had a joaning session for thin hair hoes because it DOESNT look okay.
• The the guys-nigga, you didnt know this but Im the same female you walked past last year because I didnt "catch your eye" with my "natural". Now you are buying me something to eat everyday with my weave in. WHY in the HELL would I change this?

2. I have absolutely no one that I look up to - no role model, no one I aspire to be like

3. The happiest time in my life that I can remember right now is exchanging devotionals with Anna every day on the shuttle before class

4. I regret not taking that job as Admissions Representative with that school

5. With all of the complaining I do about not having a career, I have not physically went out to look for any job. Not one...

6. I could care less about a relationship or my career. I only care because its on my to-do-list

7. The most exciting part of my day happens monthly when my Essence magazine comes...but I dont even read it

8. I sing Keisha Coles song " You Complete Me" to God every morning before I go to work. - go read the lyrics

9. Im ridiculously satisfied with my dildo

10. The next person that undermines my intelligence or plays on my insecurities will get slapped

11. I am irritated by people who are so image conscious that they think its okay to finance a car instead of driving around in a cheap car like mine

12. I spent $600 in 3 months experimenting with going natural...and still wear weave (no, it didnt break me-which leads me to #13)

13. I think its stupid to pay $500 a month so you can say youre a grown up. Grown ups make responsible decisions for their future. I can afford to move out because I dont pay $500 a month. Can you afford to move out? Being "grown up" doesnt mean struggling just to say youre a grown up when you dont have to.

14. I prefer an attentive uneducated male over an educated male who claims he has no time for me.

15. I would rather talk to a stranger online than to most of my friends (not all, most)

16. I hate the SEMO spotlight section of their website and I resent all the fucks who made it there

17. I dont know what I want to do with my life and I dont give a shit

18. I miss my daddy and I miss walking home from school with my white friends

19. I buy things off ebay because I like getting packages in the mail

20. Im not going to pay Salle back. She can forget about it

21. When I dont answer the phone for you, it doesnt mean that Im at work or with a nigga-contrary to popular belief

22. I miss Abby and think about her all of the time (my cat)

23. Im still mad at Dre for letting my hamster burn to death in college

24. I like to work because I dont like to live

25. If I could give up my dreams to be taken care of by someone else, I would.

Dis..the Word of the Day

Discouragement, that's the word of the day. Im feeling very discouraged today. I keep reading the same pages in my photography book over and over and over and I just cant seem to grasp concepts anymore. I dont like where this is going. Im afraid Im going to lose this....and I dont want to lose this. Its not like I dont care about photography anymore, its that I am feeling so "incapable". Photography is all I think about and all I like to talk about, so why is it that I cant understand things? I think my heart is distracting me, in all honesty. Ive been feeling all weird lately, toward Mr.NyC. Not a bad weird, just a "realization" weird. I think Im starting to realize the truth about love . Its different with him than how its ever been with any other man and its providing me with a type of contentment and peace that Im not used to. He feels so long term to me, like its not about playing a game or winning his heart. Its actually about learning something that Im not too fond of...consideration of a man Im involved with. Usually I have this theory of them being undeserving of my genuine interest and consideration. But Mr.NyC is more than deserving. However, I think that my lack of consideration has wore him thin. Im trying this time though! I'm listening more when he talks and I really want to know things about him. But Ive trained myself not to listen to men because they are temporary. But maybe they are temporary only because I trained myself not to listen. Anyway, the thing is, I see him breaking down walls too. To be honest, I kinda want to just be around him now. I like to laugh with him more than anything. I dont think he sees us the way I see us but I know he sees me in his own way thats still good. I have so much more to learn about him though and I dont want to learn these things from so far away. Im thinking something...are you thinking what I'm thinking...?

Beauty Blues

well i am dissapointed to find out that my pictures were damaged by walgreens' stupid machine. i finally compared the print outs from the original source to the walgreens prints and boy was there more of a difference than i thought. some of the pics had a total color change that i didnt notice in the midst of all of the excitement. I took them back for a refund and the manager was "apologetic" but sorry just isnt going to cut it for me. You see, the guy who holds the originals is too hard to get in touch with and if I take these pics back and dont get the originals from him then my first pics are gone with the wind. I hope he gives them back to me before I am ineligible for a refund. :o( I guess with all of the excitement that I felt from seeing my pictures enlarged, I didnt notice the damages. Oh wellz. I did by my new camera though! I found out that its a discontinued camera (which sucks ass) but thats okay because its still considered to be a great camera for beginners. In fact, it had higher ratings by consumers than the camera that replaced it!

I am about to head out and do some moving with my Aunt before work. Amazing how this day was so pretty and now so gloomy out. I guess mother nature is in sync with my pain. :o(

So Photogenic..or no?

Im a photographer! I just took my first 12 official portfolio pictures and they are beaUtiful, I swear! I wish I could post them up on my blog for you all to see but I only have the print out versions; I'm working on that though because I do need them for my photography website. Im also thinking about making some business cards when I get good (with one of my photo designs on it). I found an awesome deal on a Digitial SLR camera. Its a Nikon D50 with a retail value of $450-700. This man whose been helping me out is going to sell it to me for $350 whenever I'm ready. Should I buy this thing now or wait? What about the business cards? Should I make them now or wait until I know I am great at what I do? The guy whose helping me says the reason he is doing so well is because he didnt wait or waste time on learning. He said he went in for the kill and even agreed to take pictures at concerts for people who had heard about him, knowing that he was an amateur. I know Im always trying to be over-prepared but this is different and I dont feel like I need to be. Im not flighty about this photography thing...this is it. I've studied to the max and I feel prepared and for once in my life CONFIDENT about my skills. So...who wants a photoshoot?!

BBerry top10

Sooooooo I went out the other night and had the time of my life!! So you know what that means, 8 numbers got trashed and 7 more have joined the BBerry top10. #1 is a ho-dog (I can already tell) but managed to do the currently unthinkable and turn me on sexually without putting a finger on me. #2 is so so sweet and soft spoken (soon to irritate me bec. he is my "yes" man) and is about to go serve our country for 26 weeks. #3 is the one who made me step outta my czone- I actually asked for HIS number-he intrigues the hell outta me but is one of those BAM guys. #4 is an ol skool dude (he doesn't really count, we got caught drinking in my house when we were in high school). #5 is an ol skool dude too (also doesn't count. he used to visit me at college but we stopped talking because he wanted to go to an Alpha party instead of the drag show-i was tripping wasn't it?). #6 was a nobody, but cute. #7 was inappropriately handled but i couldn't resist.


Guess whose getting out of jail in April...yeah. I guess I'm supposed to stop my life and become his 'ride or die' again. Its funny how you regret things once you cant change him-and he does. He's lonely and wants me back but I know its for all of the wrong reasons. No one is there to care for him except for me, and that's why hes attached. I loved being there for him, but I cant let him hold me back in life. He says I'm wrong for that because I shouldn't let my "career goals" stand in the way of my hearts desires. But I beg the differ. Personal success is consistent with your contributions...love is not. And its not love anyway. Both of us got what we wanted at the time (admiration from his end and attention from my end). Besides, I can do better. I know that sounds bad because who am I to judge. But I lived my life intentionally avoiding mistakes because I cared so much about my future. Now its not my fault that he had the typical "i live for the moment" attitude that men have and thought that some good woman would still sacrifice her life's preparation for him. Get real. No more compromising. Speaking of compromise, me and Mr.NYC had a long talk and it wasn't that great. I compromised (after I just said no more compromising), but he did too. However, I wont know if it will benefit me until March 4. I dont know if love compromises in the way that we just did...I wih I could say more but I cant-not just yet.. .