TG

He accepted my request.  I was not attracted to him.  Possibility.

2 Blasts From The Past

He called today. the "taken one." He called "just to hear my voice".  A while ago that call would have meant everything to me. But right now it feels like bullshit and I could care less.  I know that he is bluffing with his unhappiness and its upsetting me...making me feel used. "I just wanted to hear your voice, and now I have to go." Like he needed a fix. 

Where is the gratification in this for me?

So to make things worse, I got a friend request on facebook today from someone in my past. Initials EW. He used to be an old "crush" and the feelings were mutual. I wasn't allowed to date back when I knew him, so pursuing him wasn't an option.  But I was in love with some other guy back then anyway TG.  Anyway...I accepted EW's friend request and went exploring on his page.  He is married now, looking as good as I always knew he would.  It made me think...and then made me jealous...and then sad...and then curious about TG.  So I looked up TG. Found him.  But his profile is viewable only by request. I put in a request.  I'm afraid of what I will see when he accepts...married? In a relationship?

Why am I doing this? 

Lets Rethink Things

Is it really homewrecking if I had him first?? I know I said I would let this situation die, but maybe I should take a closer look into this. I did fall in love with him first...but then again, he fell in love with her first. 

It wouldn't be so complicated if the history between us wasn't there, you know? That makes it so hard to let the idea of him go. 

We were so young when we met.

He picked me up from my second job, wearing that lame leather jacket lol.  We used to have these long, late night conversations in the car parked under the streetlight when I was in high school.  All the way up until I was I was saying "screw college" and he talked to me about how important college was in an attempt to change my mind. 

I don't know...a part of me feels like he is only reaching out to me because things aren't that great in his relationship.  They argue a lot-and the arguments have a lot to do with what I've always considered to be his biggest fear...commitment.  She is ready to take things up a notch...a notch beyond boyfriend and girlfriend.  For him, that is a BIG deal and I KNOW that he is not the type of guy to make that move unless he knows that it is right for him.  He's not ready...I know he isn't. 

But thats the other thing...I'm closer to being ready than he is and I fear that if we were to try and take things a step further with us (If he was single, I mean) that he would still be unhappy because we are on two different chapters in our lives. I'm ready to move forward, he is not.    

Free Cable for the Homewrecker

My leasing office just gave all of the residents free basic cable!!! Why is that such a big deal, considering that I dont watch tv? Because yesterday just startd the 17th cycle of Americas Next Top Model - ALL STARS baby!!!! And now I dont have to catch the re-runs on youtube!!! If you never learn anything else about me, know that I am one of the BIGGEST top model fans! Here is my serious top model face:

So official. 

Anyway, time for a boy update.  I dont know what I called the guy from the previous blog...the one that had a girlfriend and I was battling my urge to talk to him on a romantic level.  Well, I've been keeping my distance for the most part but he just made me a little soft by telling me that this video reminds him of me...or made him think of me rather. Even though its probably a bunch of bull.

I will admit that the words are so compatible with our situation. I want him to lay off of me because I know that he has no intention to move on and leave her. Not that I even want him to, you know!  Like I said before, I may be a lot of screwed up things but one thing I am not is a homewrecker.

Mega Babe on the Mega BUS

LOL. Just kidding. I thought the title was cute and couldn't resist. I took the MegaBus to Saint Louis for my Grandmothers funeral last month and saw this stud in the front.  When I saw her, I immediately thought of Terah. Check out my terah stud style LOL.

My Nicki Minaj

yeah...i know this window looks pretty trife LOL

YOUTUBE

-DRUMROLL-

I have decided to start my own YOUTUBE channel called "CONFERsations!"

I will not be on this channel, AT ALL.  My confidence is not that high. LOL.

The channel will feature recorded conversations of both a group of 3 males and a group of 3 females (recorded separately).

OR

A group of 2 males and 2 females

(recorded together)

If recorded separately, I'm going to edit the videos to where the conversations of both groups are mixed up throughout the "episode."

I haven't decided on how frequent I want these episodes to come out (monthly maybe) but I definitely want the subscribers/viewers to suggest and vote on the topics of choice.

I've already started working on my channel design.  Here are a few designs that I have fallen in love with:

 

Bootz & Brooklynn vs. ME

Me and the cats have been having a lot of problems.  They are breaking everything in my house and are really closing in on the remainder of that privacy gap that I so desperately need. If I wasnt so fearful of Bootz and Brooklynn not finding a good home because of Bootz weight issue, I would deposit them to the Humane Society. STRAIGHT UP!

cant piss by myself or even wash my hands after I do "the do"

How Strange

I find it to be disturbing that this was hanging in the bathroom of a restaurant.  What the hell is this about?  This has nothing to do with food or customer service.  Well...I guess it could be customer service (depending on what she is selling. :o/

Chaos!

Money has been my focus for the past two months so I have totally forgotten about my blog. :o/ 

SO SORRY! 

Its like this...you know how long I have been in the dogpound financiall, so now that I have the income to rebuild myself, that is exactly what I have been doing.  To start, I've been putting $1,000 aside each payperiod.  My goal is to stack around 10K. I'm exhausted from working 2 jobs, 7 days a week but I have to do what I have to do.

BUT you know me...and yes there is a LOT going on in my life right now.  However, I'm at work right now so I cant get too much into details just yet, but here is a preview of what I will talk about tonight

• free cable
• you tube channel
• new hairdo
• new guy/old guy
• old skool guy from an old blog post
• city drama (friends)
• pregancy
• apartment hunt
• Americas next top model

Worthless Arguments

I have stooped to an all time low...seriously. I cant tell you what it is I have done because its just that lame.  The point, however, is that although lame, I failed at that too.

I think the biggest problem is that I am too eager for love. After that, my next biggest problem is that I allow so many worthless men to come into my life with empty promises and lies/game, that once I have potential quality man approach me, I treat him as if he is just as worthless. And let me tell you, no one of quality is going to hang around while being treated that way; especially by someone that they haven't known that long.

And let there be an argument -rolls eyes- then you might as well close that option because they are not getting to know someone who they argue with so soon.  Now me...I'm different. I wont allow a weak argument to break my interest in someone.  Now if its an argument over something major, then that's different. 

I just had an argument with this "new guy" from the "all time low" about visiting me.  He said that he wanted to bring a friend so that he doesn't have to travel so far by himself and started to insinuate that he could hang with one of my female friends.  I told him that I didn't have any female friends out here to keep him company, if that's what he was getting at. And he goes "we will work on it." So, me being me, I let him know that "we" aren't working on anything because I'm not about to go try and befriend some girls out in this scandalous city so that he can entertain his homeboy. Again, he says "we will work on it."  This is where I got pissed off because I told him "no" once already and he chose to dismiss my concerns with a reaffirmation of his plans. Not cool.  I don't like controlling men and he obviously doesn't like difficult women. So he was out of the door. 

Mind you, I know this was my fault because all I had to say was "okay, we can work on it."  But the truth is that I had no plans of "working on it". And if I tell you I don't want to do something, don't tell me that we will work on it...because "we" wont.  If you would like to bring your friend with you, then you two should be the ones "working on it". This is Chicago. I'm not going to go grab some chic off the street for his homeboy. Whatever he was thinking, my answer was going to be no.

Difficult? Yes, I am.  But I'd rather be difficult that a push-over.  Kick Rocks. -kick-