So much has changed in my life since my last post, nearly eight months ago. I relocated to a new city...Chicago (my city of dreams). It's truly beautiful here...strangly, because of its faults. It, without a doubt is the most real city that I could ever imagine being in. I haven't had much time to make the acquantance of all of its pleasures, considering that I am still getting settled and all. I moved in December. So far, I've made a couple of friends but I have been very slow to let them in...
While I've been gone from Saint Louis, I have had a lot to think about. Like...what am I really running from and if I am likely to find it here. I was telling Mikey that I cant shake this feeling of a huge void inside of me...one that I cant seem to fill. And it's not a spiritual void...I know the difference. I thought that moving to Chicago would help me fill that void, and although a good move for me, I'm starting to feel that it wont.
I notice that this void is triggered by two things...and it never fails to be triggered by these two things.
1. whenever I hear someone say to someone "you were born to do this. this is who you are" and
2. when i see someone's interest in another persons life
That second one is the big one. I used to really care about my friends and what was important to them...but now, even though I truly wish that they are well, I dont try to follow up with anyone anymore to verify that they are. I dont know why...but somewhere down the road I became so self-absorbed and detached from other people's feelings. I dont worry about people like I used to...I dont feel a knot in my stomach when I know they are approaching an important moment in their life or when they are sad.
I'm such a mess in my own mind to try and hear someone elses thoughts. It used to be that listening to someone elses thoughts helped distract me from my own. Now it just adds to my own and feels like a big, overwhelming mess in my head.
I dont know what I am looking for anymore...but I wish that I could find it so that I can move on and become the better person that I know I am capable of being. I miss caring about people...